Sunday, December 27, 2009

Mural Art in Philly



There are some beautiful murals in Philly. This one is my favorite! (Taken on iPhone). I Heart Photography.

She teaches me courage..



Children have an innocence and courage that adults admire and also resent (at time). We had it once and I find myself always in the company of young people in hopes of embracing their "energy". I believe they have much to teach us about courage and love. The photo above was taken by my (adopted) niece Taylor Givens. She has an amazing spirit. She took this photo with my camera. I see an artist in the making (wink,wink).

With courage,
RPoet

Thursday, December 10, 2009

just a thought..

We learn to heal
the moment after we suffer

We learn to forgive
the day we accept and move forward

We learn to love
the minute we say-I'm ready


with love,
RPoet

Untitled/unfinished

i dont have much to write. simply to say that metaphors touch my heart. like the way my nephew does. when he smiles and shows
his cute baby teeth. he has a gap on his two front teeth that resemble his fathers, my brother, my blood.
His two dimples. A gift from my brother and I. We each gave him ours to fill him with the love we never had.
He smiles. And smiles. Not a care in the world. A love so strong that I begin to wonder if that love always existed but kept inside this little boy until we were ready to embrace. He moves me.
verbs move me. acting.walking.writing.talking. they move me to choose my decisions. i choose. i act. i think. i'm happy. I choose my nephew. I choose love.
With courage,
RPoet

untitled

Why is it so hard to be happy?
I cannot simmer in the feeling of bliss for too long.
It just doesn't seem to come naturally to me.
But don't we all deserve to be happy?
Yes, we do.
We all do.

I worry that it is always so temporary so I try to rush through it.
I don't want to get too comfortable.

I deserve to have all the blessings I asked for
As friends that know me really well ya'll know I can be very hard on myself.

I just can't do it. BE happy.
I get so uncomfortable and dismissive
I am really the twin of debbie the downer
Always bringing myself down when folks who love me try to bring me up

I must remember I'm worthy!

with courage,
RPoet

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The Return of Negative Nancy

We all have those days when nothing goes "right." I have been having those kind of days for the last 3 months or so. You would think I learned the first time but when you are warped in the world of fear you become unaware and consumed by it. We forget our power because fear blinds us. The return of Nancy came swift and quick. I didn't even notice it. And when I did I continued to let Nancy guide my feelings and decision making. And the minute something unexpected happened or I knew it was something that I did not have control over Nancy would come out. She (read: me) would be angry, frustrated, sad, and depressed. Until last night, i put a stop to letting her (read:fear) try to keep me down. It is then when I remembered the power of the mind. If I continue to let her take over me and consume me with negativity and fear I will continue to be unhappy. I made a choice today to change the way I "see" things. (thanks Brittany!) Just recently I lost my wallet and everything in it. "fuck! This is NOT happening today. Im so pissed. I have no money to get on the bus to see my family tomorrow." i thought I was helpless. I really had no way to buy a ticket. However, when i changed my view on this situation. I "see" an opportunity for humility, to slow down and learn from this situation. I lost my wallet because I needed to slow down. I have been a worry nut, neglecting myself and my needs and I have been working like a robot. I lost my wallet because I needed to see what I have been doing to myself.
This morning, I made a decision: "I'm going home. God will make a way for me." And that's when it happened. A ride to NYC tomorrow morning. Then my mother sent me $ for my ticket back to Philly. What a blessing! Im actually not happy i lost my wallet but glad that it allowed me to change my lens and/or perspective. I'm grateful to my alter ego and unpleasant friend Nancy. I'm not always happy and the sun doesn't always shine on me. Fear will always be here but i am working on lessening its power in my life. I also know those are lessons (even if they are unpleasant) that become blessings. We all have our days..but it's how we handle those crazy, out of control, wacky moments that matter most. Remember the power lies within you. Find the courage to unpack those fears. Accept that life's lessons are not always packaged in pretty, happy, joyful gifts but they come in unexpected, not so pretty and maybe even shitty packages but they are gifts nonetheless.

With courage,

RPoet



Wednesday, November 18, 2009

My 12 Commandments..

Just Be Me!
Let it ALL go.
Read and Write daily.
Love freely and openly.
Always be honest with yourself.
Pray, meditate, and reflect.
Do NOT take things personally.
Do NOT hold on to fears.
Laugh daily.
Act the way I want to feel (check out the happiness project)
Embrace Simplicity.
Do it all with COURAGE.



-RPoet

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Poetic Bloodlines by Gemineye

The Courage to use Poetry to Teach Ourselves and Others!!


poetry in motion/daydream:sleepless in philly

insomnia is like the annoying relative
you are desperate to get rid of
but you can't because they are kin
i try to sleep
but she keeps waking me
telling me to finish my work
so that i can dream better
my body is heavy like stone
but my eyes are wide and open
as if i just ingested a shot of caffeine
when all i have is the anxiety to complete
the task at hand
i'm up so late even the crickets went to sleep
it's time to put this work to rest
i can't spend another night sleepless...

have the courage to dream
have the courage to live your dream...

with much respect,
RPoet

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Acceptance

Last night's rain storm was a beautiful sight to see. The sounds of nature were truly calming. It had me thinking about acceptance. What does it mean to accept yourself as you are? And I guess it had me thinking about what I continue to avoid or deny and how I must accept where I am at in order to move forward so that I can heal fully.

We all avoid what we try long and hard to deny. What is your "thing" that you neglect to see or face? What is that thing you ignore because you are scared of the outcome? I have some random things that I avoid. As I write them I begin to think that they are not so random but all connected to my fears...

I avoid showing public displays of affection with friends and family. It makes me quite uncomfortable or so I think.

I avoid my true dreams and desires because I am scared of my own success.

I avoid....to ignore the truth of my life. You may be wondering what that truth is..but I am not sure yet.

I avoid my father because I am scared he will hurt me again.

I avoid the truth of my wishes to be a writer. But a part me believes that I am not really a "good" writer (whatever that means). That I don't write as well as I should. Sometimes I wish I could embrace more self-confidence. But I avoid that too.

I always wanted to write. Since I was a little girl but I did not cultivate my desire to write at an early age (with the exception of my journals) because I lacked the confidence. A part of me feels like writing is an essential part of living. The same way that breathing is important to living. So is my writing. Now I know that I must write. I know that my voice is unique but I avoid. I don't listen to the voice inside of me telling me its angry, frustrated, happy or sad. I do accept this reality and I am going to work on no longer turning my back on what I really want.

This list can go on and on. But I simply want to recognize and accept the things that I avoid. I know that we make a choice to avoid what we know we should embrace. To accept this reality is an important step in having the courage to change and love. This is what's it really about. The inevitability of change brings me comfort and also a bit of frustration. We in some ways think we have total control over change but we do not. It is like the tidal wave we either flow with it or against it. But remember the tidal wave will continue to flow..so its best to flow with it.

with courage,
RPoet

Friday, October 23, 2009

A Sweet Escape

I am learning that part of letting go of [the illusion] control is to be honest with yourself and what you are feeling. Be real! I am tired. I am stressed. I am not okay. On Wednesday, I walked to the corner store in search of a sweet escape (in this case it was ice cream). I greeted my fellow neighbor/store clerk. How are you? He said. Stressed and exhausted, I said. He looks at me. He is not shocked but a bit confused. He tells me “God doesn’t give you more than you can bear. You will get through this. You are not alone. You are never alone.” I walk out the store reflecting on this cliché that I hear often. I know it is true. God is always with me. I am never alone. We are never alone. But there are times when I doubt. The Christian guilt I was indoctrinated with becomes to emerge. (How dare you doubt God?) I come back to my senses, letting go of that “guilt.” It is okay to doubt. It is okay to be honest with yourself. But I know that I must never doubt that God is with me. That is something that I will always know is true. Sometimes I hold on to this need to feel like everything has to be planned and it has to go “my way.” And when it doesn't go my way. I break down. I must let that feeling and negative vibrations go. And while I write and obsess (at least it seems like I do) on the need to release “control” I continue to do it. Shoot! I mustn’t be hard on myself though. I’m human. I will have my moments but those will be expected. However, I am grateful to that afternoon of sweet escape. I went looking for a sugar rush that comes on a chocolate cookie crust with a vanilla ice cream filling but I left with so much more.

With Courage,
RPoet

poetry in motion: seeds of life

the seeds of life


i water the plants in hopes that they will grow
into beautiful petals of love, faith, and fearlessness
the sun begins to rise
the union of light, water, and soil help
cultivate the beauty that is change
as i plant the seeds of courage
the sun begins to shine its brightest
high noon sets on the garden of life

with courage,
RPoet

Saturday, October 10, 2009

The Courage to Live in the NOW

"When you are not honoring the present moment by allowing it to be, you are creating drama." Eckhart Tolle



It is very hard for me to live in the moment. I am constantly planning for later, tomorrow, and my future. There are times where living in the moment really does bring me peace and joy. And I feel grateful for just enjoying and living in the NOW. But there are other times where I am obsessing over getting through the work day or just counting down the beginning of the weekend looking at my watch every hour. Maybe Eckhart Tolle is right. If you do not honor the present moment you are creating drama. Being physically there in the moment is quite a challenge because I have found comfort in withdrawing from situations that pose a difficulty for me. Whether it is something I have long denied or something that makes me uneasy. I have navigated my life avoiding situations that I should confront head on. I used withdrawal as a tool to hide behind my emotions and feelings. And it did not really help me as it really was a tool for masking and hiding my feelings internally. Which led me to be angry, frustrated, and irritated all the time. Also, being in the moment is more than just saying "enjoy the moment because tomorrow is not guaranteed" it is about really feeling what it is you feel right NOW. It is accepting where you are and what you are feeling in the present in order for you to move forward and live tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and the future. Sometimes we plan for tomorrow and forget the moment. Sometimes we plan the future and forget that the living happens NOW. This is where courage steps in. I remind myself over and over that I am where I am supposed to be. And there are times where I am not happy in the NOW (like my current job) but that I have the power to change my present situation by accepting what it is i feel NOW to change my situation to make it better for tomorrow and the future. To have the courage to live in the present allows you to love in the tomorrow and in the future. I, you, and we are worthy of love. And when we do not give ourselves the time to be in the present moment and the space to FEEL and be human we not only create drama but we hold ourselves back from healing, growing, and loving. This drama not only hurts us but those that we love!

I am not perfect. I continue to struggle with living in the NOW. I am aware the path is not an easy one yet totally necessary for my healing and growth. I do enjoy this challenge. And you must know that it is a great challenge! Living in the NOW allows me to really look within and uncover what my deepest feelings are about myself and how this will have an impact on my future. This internal investigation only helps me become more fearless, courageous, and loving. WE all deserve to feel this. Right NOW I am happy, excited, and nervous about moving to a new place and starting a new job. I also know that I am where I am supposed to be. That brings me much comfort. I also meditate and practice (at-home)yoga as a way to allow me to be in the moment. Living in the NOW and trusting the process of life. And most importantly, knowing that you have the POWER to live in the NOW and the POWER to CHANGE your situation. Whether that means that you accept that you have the power to change your thoughts and behaviors to really improve your situation or you decide that in order to really be in the NOW you have to get out of your current situation. Which in my case i did by leaving the job I don't like (effective 10/16/09). Yay! We must have the courage to live in the now, love in the now, and be happy in the now. Avoid the drama and the anguish that is caused when you do not live in the present. Have the courage to live and love!


I use affirmations to really help transform me and my outlook. You are welcome to write your own affirmations. I write my affirmations and post them everywhere in my house. For example, in the bathroom, in my office, at my job near my computer monitor, my wallet, my planner, and sometimes i write it in the notes on my phone. Or you can practice a morning ritual: reading the affirmations to yourself in front of the mirror.

Affirmations:
I release the need to constantly plan for tomorrow and live in the now.
I release all criticisms and focus on what it is I can do to change my situation if I am not happy.
I have the power to control my thoughts and behaviors.
I have the courage to love myself and deal with what it is that is holding me back.

Do you have any affirmations that have worked for you? What have you learned about yourself from living in the present?

With Courage,
RPoet

Negrita Chronicles: Feminist Avengers

We all have our moments where we just want to get away and escape. I have those moments often and sometimes I imagine myself in my alter ego (Feminist Avenger) fighting the crimes of racist patriarchal capitalism on a daily basis....sounds fun, doesn't it?


making faces

i fear writing because i fear to be seen. instead i make faces when i experience isolation, frustration, distrust, discomfort and anger when folks prefer to objectify me and my existence. haciendo caras para que ellos sepan que estoy enojada. making faces so that i can finally be human. 'haciendo caras' is something i do to protect myself.

invisible

ella hablas espanol? me dices la senora que no deseas ver mi cara. she acts like i dont exist because to see me is to see herself. she prefers to silence my presence so that she can protect her prejudice beliefs about what it means to be dominican, latina, or a person of color. ella hablas espanol? si, yo si hablo espanol pero eso no es indicacion de mi latinidad. yo, soy negra, triguena y si dominicana. 'ella?' como si no tengo nombre. "she" like i don't have a name. like i am a nameless. like i am subhuman. a zombie who lives on this earth with no soul, sin corazon, sin cara, bodyless. mi lengua no es el unico simbulo de mi identidad. porque tengo que hablar espanol? para prueba que soy como usted?

present absence (incomplete)

i exist in the presence of others
who need me to affirm their realities
i then fail to exist in the presence of them
i become nothing
and then i am invisible again, and again.

untitled

i am finally at peace
the storm is now over
the winds have calmed
the clouds cleared
the sun is finally shining
i am simply me.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Unpacking my baggage takes courage.. Thanks Badu!

Poetry In Motion Series: I AM

On February 29, 2008, my dearest friend Laura lost her sister Kimberlly to breast cancer. I was blessed to know and spend time with Kim before her cancer returned (more aggressively in December 2007) and I learned we had a lot in common. One thing I admired of this strong, beautiful warrior was her willingness to love and forgive. I learned a lot about love and forgiveness from her. As a survivor of abuse, she never let it bring her down. She continued to smile and love her family, friends, and folks she did not even know with a warmth that I cannot describe.

I often think about Kim. I think of women like Kim dealing, suffering, and dying from breast cancer. Unfortunately, African American women have a higher risk of dying from a more aggressive and deadly form of breast cancer than white and other non white women. In fact the breast cancer death rate for women of color is 37% higher than it is for white women. I think about ALL of this. But we can help support women of color affected by breast cancer.

This poem is inspired by Kim and women of color all around the world affected by this deadly disease...


I Am
I am strong and beautiful
I wonder if we will ever find a cure
I hear the bells of freedom
I see hope on the horizon
I want to help others
I am strong and beautiful
I pretend that I am a bird soaring to new heights
I feel the power of the divine
I touch the wings of forgiveness
I worry that more of our sisters will die
I cry for our sisters we have lost
I am, we are strong and beautiful
I understand that pink isn’t always so pretty
I say let’s fight this disease together
I dream we will find a cure one day
I try to keep the faith
I hope we can help all women of color dealing and suffering from the deadly “pink” disease
I am, we are, strong and beautiful.
Let’s fight for a cure!

With courage,
Rebel P.


Some Helpful Resources:
Pink Isn't Always Pretty, Inc: www.pinkisntalwayspretty.org
Facing Our Risk Empowered:www.facingourrisk.org
African American Breast Cancer Alliance: http://aabcainc.org/
Army of Women: http://www.armyofwomen.org/
Pro Mujer:www.promujer.org
Women Caring For Women: http://www.latinabca.org/WomenCaringforWomen.asp
Latinas Contra Cancer: http://www.latinascontracancer.org/about/index.html

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Negrita Chronicles: Embracing YOUR Voice

Today I felt like I was going to explode. I repressed my feelings about a coworker who was way out of line with her negative feelings she has against me (that is a long story but I will spare all of us the details). I am disappointed that I have been letting this get to me for the last twenty-four hours. But it has and I need to speak on it. I am also struggling because I struggle with the "right" words to stand up for myself while still being "professional."  (I think it continues to be my fear to be fully vulnerable around folks in positions of power.  And those who benefit from power and privilege. You know the self-proclaimed woman identified or feminine patriarchs). I'm thinking to myself the "heck with that." I want to tell it like it is. Go Bronx on my coworker!! Whatever that means. But is that really the way to go? 
There is this tendency that to be professional you must be polite. To be polite you must be a good liar. It is like bell hooks has argued in All About Love. We are raised in American culture to be "polite"  is acceptable, appropriate and the norm in how we navigate and develop "healthy" relationships. As early as a toddler, we are taught to be polite. I think we can all recall one moment in our lives when we heard "don't say that that's not nice!" So does this mean I am not nice if I am being honest? We confuse the difference between the truth and a lie. Now I am not saying that we should all stop being polite. But I think that we must not confuse polite behavior as an excuse for lying. Being polite is about showing respect and being considerate of another person's feelings. However, that does not mean that we should not be truthful.  And that you can only choose to act polite or truthful. As if there is only one choice. In this society, we are so obsessed with dichotomies. Black/White.Yes/No. We got to move beyond dichotomies. I can be polite and truthful. I can have both or neither. But I do not have to choose one over the other. I do have the power over my thoughts, behavior, and actions. 
As for professional demeanor, behavior, and/or etiquette is void of emotion. To be professional we must not show our true selves. We cannot let them "see" us. We must not be vulnerable. I continue to struggle with this notion of professionalism. And the ways this behavior allows white supremacist capitalist patriarchy continue to have power over our lives. I also must admit that I don't want to be vulnerable in those hostile, dehumanizing, and sexist spaces but sometimes I want to step out of character [being professional] call some people out. But I don't. I find comfort in the ways that I express my forms of resistance at work by implementing my own acts of courage and black feminist avenging (as I like to call it). So in some ways I do speak up. I do speak the truth. It may not be the way I sometimes imagine. (With my alter ego--feminist avenger--teaching and educating each person I come across on the ways they can be better human beings practicing anti-racist, heterosexist, classist behavior). I guess actions do speak louder than words. Having the courage to embrace my voice. To listen to the voice inside of you telling you to do what you know is right. I might have not confronted my coworker (in the way I had imagined) but I know that my presence and contributions to the organization. For example, the impact i have had on my high school students and the ways that their parents/families gravitate, respect, and show me love matter more. That regardless of the energy she projects on to me. It is not about ME. It is her insecurities. That is NOT my issue. The courage to embrace my voice. The courage to let that situation go. The courage to continue to love that coworker (from a far, of course) despite the lack of self-love she has for herself. That is what matters most. 


Sometimes I can't let it out. 
Sometimes the feelings are too much to handle.
Sometimes I contain them until they burst. 
Like  my appendix did when I was six.
The pain hurt and hurt for days on end.
I should have learned my lesson before.
When we repress our feelings
When we do not speak up
It will build
and build
and build
until it cannot hold on anymore
and it will just burst like a bubble, like my appendix
spreading those contained infections, contained emotions
everywhere and on anything that makes me ME
And the only one that it really hurts is my SELF, yourself, all of US...


With Courage,
Rebel P





Thursday, September 24, 2009

Survivor's Narrative: Walking Through Fear

The cycle of abuse reigns true for many human beings on this Earth. We have a tendency to live with our childhood or past traumas like a piece of clothing. As a survivor of sexual and physical abuse, I know that pain too well. The loss of power and control was so paralyzing that I did not want to experience that again. I wanted to be in control of every situation that I participated in as a way to avoid the loss of control I felt when I was abused. However, as I know now (thanks to therapy) that this thirst for control was doing me more harm than good. This obsession with a false image of control made it even harder for me to cope with the abuse because all it did was allow me to neglect the pain caused by my past rather than confront it and deal with it.


It's time we confront our fears. It's time we walk through the fear than away from it.

I'm a fear addict
abusing myself
knowing that fear
is ever so present
it is my comfort
my companion
undesirable nonetheless
but it is present
and i am used to it
but fear is an addiction
i want to detox
maybe i cant get rid of it
in its entirety but i can
work to accept its existence
while battling it and having it
serve a small part in my life
learning to work through the fear
rather than against it
because that does us no good
we only tend to avoid or deny that fear exists
but working through it allows you to face and confront the fears
only to begin to make it a small part of your life.

fear is an addiction
i want to detox

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Poetry In Motion: Haiku #1


Haiku#1 (my version)
 
I look forward to 
a revolution that is 
inspired by blacks 




with courage,
RPoet

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The Courage to Forgive...

I was born on September 15, 1981 at 11:54 a.m. in a hospital called Union in the Bronx that no longer exists. (I think its rather ironic that the very thing I continue to seek in my daily life--Union--is also the hospital I was born in.) My young parents were only living in the United States for one year before they had me. I was their "beautiful" surprise my mom said.  I usually joke around telling her that this "surprise" is really an unplanned pregnancy but she continues to say I was her blessing..whatever! HA HA!

I reflect on this day and think about all the other birthdays I have had. I remind myself to be grateful for the circle of friends and family that continue to remain in my life. I also remind myself to continue to forgive. Virgos, like me, can be so hard on ourselves. I have a tendency to obsess on the what if i stayed in graduate school, what if i passed my road test, what if, what if?! Those what ifs only hold me back. They lead me to live in regret. And this only holds me back. How can I move forward holding on to regret or guilt more importantly holding on to fear? I am learning to forgive myself so that I can move forward. I am learning to forgive so I can simply love...me.

I shared my feelings on fear on facebook. I usually try to avoid facebook but one day I wrote:"I want to move forward but the fear of failure or maybe it is success just keeps holding me back.."
My dear friend, Cecil, responded with loving and supportive words all coming back to the need to face one's fear and do it with courage. He also shared with me an excerpt on this book known as "The Secret Language of Birthdays." It's an amazing book on personalities, horoscopes, advice and more that is based on birth dates."Here is an excerpt related to your recent post on fear:

"September 15 people may appear to be shy and retiring people, right into their adolescence and even up to age thirty or so but after that period is over, watch out! They often have hidden ambitions which are ultimately revealed. Time is usually on the side of those born on this day, for they can wait for years, patiently honing their talents, gathering information or developing their ideas in order to one day make their big move."

Also, the book indicates that your Meditation should be:

"Have the Courage to Want the Very Best for Yourself"

I thought this message (and the book) were telling.  I need to let go of this fear of failure. I also must forgive myself for not following "the plan." I know that my plan wasn't the plan our Creator had for me. I must embrace where I am at in my life right now. I must let go of the past and move forward.   As I think about my past, I look forward with my head held high knowing that I am destined for greatness. And maybe I don't have what I want right now but it will require me to be patient, to work on developing my skills, and to build the courage now for when this day comes. I am truly grateful to new and old friends and family who have been instrumental in shaping the person I have become. Self-love does not happen in isolation..love can only take place in community. Thank you for your love!
Now I know that the first step on the path of self-love (fearlessness, vulnerability, joy, etc.)  is having the courage to forgive myself.

Thank you for reading!!

with courage,
RPoet

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Tribute Poem: "I Notice"

Greetings Sisters & Brothers:

I pray all is well with you and that you are in the best of spirits. As I count down my earth day (only 3 days away) I am reflecting with much excitement this busy but special crazy but blessed year I have had. Yet, I can't quite put my words down just yet. For this reason, I wanted to share a special poem written by a special person: Binopoet. He is an amazing writer and friend who started his very own blog a few weeks before me titled "Basic Ruminations".  He was definitely one of my inspirations for starting this blog (and so many other great blog-writers). Please check out the poem "I Notice." Does it remind you of anyone you know?




Always with courage,
Rebel P.

P.s. Check out the "On the path to courage" section of this blog and click on Basic Ruminations.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Poetry in Motion: Ode to Autumn

As we approach the autumnal equinox, we must celebrate the end of summer and welcome a new phase. Change is inevitable. The seasons teach me never to take for granted the consistency that is change. The words below came to me one morning on my way to work. Ofcourse, my poetry (or writing for that matter) always seems unfinished. But I wanted to share any way. I almost allowed  the fear of judgment cloud my thoughts making me unable to share my words below. Luckily, I let courage take over my thoughts and the fear (now) seems to hold less and less importance.

I really love autumn..

Enjoy!


Ode to Autumn

The sun is lighting my bedroom sheets and tickling my eyes
As I rise, I rise, with excitement
My room is filled with colors of the rainbow and my mind is tickled by the fantasies of endless joy
I listen to the birds on my window pane singing melodies meant for me
God's creation is united by a love so powerful that even the trees are crying with excitement
as the winds bring the tunes of love
and the trees sway from left to right, up and down, in circles
the leaves begin to change colors before they
say goodbye to the roots that have nurtured them for so long
fall is on its way
summer and I must go our separate ways
as the possibility of change is inevitable..
God's love is morphing
into oranges, yellows, reds
we welcome a new phase in our life..
we welcome.......change.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Learn to Love, Learn to Let Go...

Learning to Love, Learning to Let Go

I must admit I am a cynic when it comes to love. I truly believe in the art of loving but when it comes to the practice and very act of loving that is a different story. The practice of a loving ethic is harder than it sounds. While I understand it in theory it is hard for me to put it into practice. That is until the creator sends me the fortunate blessing of learning the act of love in the presence of other human beings. Learning to love is not an individual task but a collective responsibility. I work for an educational non profit. My position as high school services director simply put means that i provide academic and professional support to high school students. One of my rising 11th graders, Didi, is frequently at our offices, we usually talk about school, her future goals, and most times our views on life. Didi and I began a very intimate conversation that I did not think would lead me to reflect upon my views on love but it did.

As an educator, I strongly believe that it is important to understand students/youth not only as students but as human beings. We, like our students, bring with us our own baggage in the classroom and it is important that teachers understand and attempt to know the history of each of their students as they teach them. While it sounds like an arduous task, it is necessary to build relationships with students and understand how their backgrounds shape how they learn. Didi is one of the students who shares a rather complicated history/narrative. One of 2 sisters in a single parent household, she lost her half-sister  to brain cancer last year. Her father is in and out of her life and is not involved in the life of her nor her older sister. We begin our conversation discussing relationships (and not love), for Didi the two were not synonymous. I was curious to know why she had not mentioned love in our long hour conversation. Interestingly enough, I did not mention love either. She says she only loves a few people. She tries to avoid getting hurt. For Didi, to be vulnerable is to be open to hurt, pain, and failure. She also states that she doesn't want to be in a relationship ever because they are bound to fail. "Relationships always end". Her cynicism about love made me realize how much this 15 year old who has experienced so much trauma in her life is a reflection of ME. Her views and ultimately, her fears to be hurt again made me revisit how we are taught to love in a white supremacist capitalist patriarchal society. In other words, we are not practicing the art and act of loving. We are taught to see love as a form of weakness.

Historically, during slavery, African Americans and those of the African diaspora used repression as a survival strategy in the presence of the slaveowners. "Slavery socialized black people to contain and repress a range of emotions." (bell hooks, 1993) It was only in carefully cultivated spaces of social resistance, that black people could express their repressed feelings. Yes, our traumas on love are situated in white supremacist capitalist structure. The practice of repressing feelings became a practice that became a part of black life long after slavery ended. bell hook contends that over time the ability to conceal and hide feelings came to be viewed by many black people as sign of strong character. Showing one's emotions is a sign of weakness. I bet most of us can recall a moment in our childhood where our parents taught us the importance of repressing feelings. My mom always reminds me how much i was a "cry-baby." As a child, I had no problem showing my concern whether I cried, whined, or just spoke up. She felt that I was too sensitive as a toddler and she wanted to make sure that I knew that as I was growing up. As she constantly reminded me of those days. I learned to repress those feelings as a teenager as I taught myself to cry in solitude and not disclose my feelings to anyone. I still struggle with showing my emotions or even being vulnerable. She taught me the importance of not letting others see your true emotions. My mommy made it clear that showing my emotions would only get me hurt. Of course as a  single mother of four kids on welfare she knew what hurt felt like and she did not want me to have to experience that kind of pain as a result of love. Like Didi, my mom believed that love would only get your heart broken.

Didi adamantly states this " its important not to let people see your true feelings because if they do they will take advantage of you." I, like Didi, learned early on that love is a battlefield that we should not take on in our lives. To do that is to lose control, to be vulnerable is to lose the ability to preserve your image of the "strong Black, Latina, Chicana, super-woman complex."

The pain, weight, and emotional abuse that we women carry. It is unfair and not necessary. Being vulnerable does not make you weak. This is something I continue to remind myself. Vulnerability is a strength that we must value and integrate into our daily lives. I am grateful to the women in my life especially my mother. But I am also aware that my mother still has much to learn about love just like I do. Shoo, we all do!

Learning to love is a life long process. We must move away from romantic/sexist/patriarchal notions of love that say we  are waiting for our knight in shining armor (read: a man), "fall in love," there is "one" true love, and marriage is the ultimate sign of true love, etc. Love is more than just a feeling. It is an action and intention. Love won't come knocking on your door. It is your choice. You choose love and you must be vulnerable, open, fearless, and ready for love. You are not going to reach the ultimate or pinnacle phase of love because one does not exist. Love is not that simple. It is complex but necessary to living a fulfilled life.

It is true that the art of loving is an act that will not only liberate us but allows us to resist racism, sexism, and other forms of oppression that continue to harbor in the prison of our bodies, our minds, and in our society.

Sisters, it is time we learn to let go of this baggage that our trauma has brought us. Its time we learn to love and learn to let go of our past. In order to liberate our minds and our bodies of this prison of repression we must move forward. We must learn to let go and let love.

with courage y mucho amor,
Rebel P.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Negrita Chronicles: resentment

i am disturbed and frequently feel isolated because my existence as a black dominicana is constantly neglected or silenced within formal and informal spaces.
i am troubled by the realities of most latinas like myself who are underrepresented in the U.S. depending on where we live.especially where i live. i feel shame admitting it. but there are times i resent my closest hermanas. "i resent her for the access she has to her culture, her people, and her experiences as a Chicana, Boricua, Dominicana. but i cant be mad at her or her privilege to this form of access. i have the right to be mad but she still is my sister.sometimes i am troubled by her failure to recognize my silence." over time i learned that i must turn this anger into transformative action. this anger, this silence into something that matters. madness only drives you to do 'crazy' things. and i now just need to learn from this experience and move forward. i felt shame feeling resentment. and this shame led me to silence myself for fear of exposing my vulnerability to the ways in which internalized forms of oppression affect communities of color.
this is why i can relate to gloria anzaldua's "las fronteras" ( the borderlands) i am confined by these imaginary lines of demarcation that attempt to deny or neglect my experience. sometimes i dont know what to do. there are moments when i am angry, sad, frustrated, and most times i just want to scream. i am so sick of having to explain myself or feeling the need to explain myself. it is upsetting and so dehumanizing. at times i am more upset at the fact that people of color treat me worse than whites. i never feel quite at home when i am in a space that should be "home." but anzaldua has helped me understand that in some ways i may never be home. that home is what you make it. and not in the physical sense. but home lies within me. i reject those patriarchal notions of home. "home is where your (nuclear/heterosexual) family is?" Shit, home is where love is. and love is more than a feeling. it is an action and intention. love is not a physical place neither is home. i also learned that  being an outsider is not necessarily a bad thing. trying to fit in and be seen is not the goal. i must love me! i must accept me! i must know that i am worthy. while some dominicans will not accept me. and most latinas will reject me and my blackness. all that matters is that i accept me. it's about love. it is the willingness to extend yourself for another person's spiritual growth and vice versa. in this vein, home (love) begins inside of me. 
while there are these lived realities that shape our sociopolitical experiences that i cannot avoid or deny. i must find peace/love/comfort within before i can take action on the structures and institutions that continue to dehumanize us. i must work to let go of my baggage before i can work to overthrow years and years of institutional and ideological baggage.  
with courage,
rebel p.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Poetry (thoughts) in Motion

My acts of self-love
are tools of resistance
used to counter
hegemonic ways
that beauty is constructed
this act of love is no
small action
it is monumental,
significant,
and necessary.

With Courage,
Rebel P.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Yohan's "Freedom"

in a few hours my little brother will be a "free" man
after nine months of federal prison
he will return to a  "normal" life
in a society that has already
stamped him as a felon
who is worthless
"there is no hope for him" they will say
he has a criminal record
but others, like my mom and sister, say he
will beat the odds
i worry that he might return to doing the same thing he did
that got him locked up in the first place
i'm not sure how i feel
shit, i'm not sure how he feels
i pray he gets a second chance
i pray his 8 month old son
warrants the love and affection of his father
i don't think i can write anymore 
the feeling is too much to bear

black and latino men and women continue to
overpopulate the prison walls
we live in a culture where second chances are not
afforded to everyone
especially not for people of color
i hope my brother chooses the path
out of the drug game
we all deserve a second chance....

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

wake up call


today, i have become my alter ego negative nancy
she is not who you want to meet
she worries every minute of every day
she drives her friends and loved ones crazy
nancy is not able to see
nancy is not able to feel
nancy is not able to love
she is consumed by fear
false evidence appearing real
for nancy fear is as real as it feels
but this feeling while temporary
can have the power to keep me in this place
but i will not allow it
i cannot allow it
nancy is not going to get the best of me
this is why i sent her home
a few hours ago
once she realized that i was willing to walk through the fear
she was ready to pack her bags
fear did not seem so bad once i walked through it

if you ever feel your negative nancy, negative nick or negative _____
let them know you are ready to confront your fear and walk through it..

ask yourself: why do i feel this way? what am i scared of?
in a blank sheet of paper list the fears that come to mind (always work in the NOW)
do not worry about the order of fears
read them aloud
think about the ways you would like to confront at least one of your fears
then commit yourself to doing them
throw the list out.

i continue to remind myself that we have the power to control our thoughts and behaviors
and the power to confront our fears.


With Courage,
Rebel

Monday, August 24, 2009

The Negrita Chronicles Series: Me Llaman (They Call Me) La Otra (Other)


As women of color, we deal with silence and invisibility on a daily basis. We experience it from whites, non whites, and especially folks we call "our people." I experience silence and invisibility at retail stores, school, church, work, social circles and even in my own family. "You are not Dominican enough. Wow!? I didn't know you were Dominican!? I thought you were African American." Even in our own communities we try to divide ourselves. We buy into these neocolonial constructions of identity. We begin to see ourselves in the eyes of the oppressor rather than seeing ourselves through the historical lens of what we had to experience as slaves and indentured servants. Or even looking at ourselves through an ethic of loving action and intention. Due to this white supremacist capitalist (i.e. neoliberal and neocolonial)patriarchal society that we live in, the ways in which we communicate and relate to human beings precludes our ability to organize a collective struggle around injustice due to the traumas that continue to haunt our lives. This does not mean that we are helpless victims and that there is nothing we can do to stop these forms of oppression. To live in a world where health care, education, housing, food, shelter are universal rights not commodities that only the rich can afford. A world where communities of color are not seen as disposable. WE do have power to change our situation. Yet, many of us walk around, zombie-like, unaware of the realities or choosing to deny the truth of our oppression.

Growing up in the South Bronx, in a predominantly African American (not West Indian mainly African American and a few African Immigrants) and Puerto Rican neighborhood I had to consistently deal with being an outsider in a neighborhood where folks did not understand or know Dominicans. Of course I felt alienation, isolation, and totally misunderstood by peers and neighbors. As a child, I found comfort in my journals and books. I gave up on trying to fit in with peers and embraced my uniqueness. I spent more time with my family and as I got older these same peers accepted me and my "difference." And then in high school, they began to resent me (which is another story.) I learned early on to embrace my uniqueness and see it as a precious characteristic that made me special. I reflect on this experience and I am grateful that early on I honed the skills to navigate this form of invisibility when I went to college and graduate school.

The poems below capture countless experiences where other people of color used the master's tools to deny my physical presence. There were times where I spoke up and others where my silence became a source of strength for me.

Que Disfruten! Enjoy!

Present Absence
I'm right here.
why don't they see me.
i am waving my hand as high as i can.
standing on my toes. trying to find. seeking to find. visibility.
but why can't they see me?
i mean, how can they NOT see me?
afro-mile high-caramel skinned tone.
thick bilingual via south bronx accent.
don't-mess-with-me attitude.
i know they know.
they must know.
don't they know.
that i am really one of them.


untitled/unfinished
does she speak Spanish?
is she African American?
where are you from?
i'm so sick of the pronouns.
i am right here.
in front of you.
looking right at you.
why don't you see me?

With Courage,
Rebel

Poetry in Motion Series

Welcome to the Poetry in Motion Series!!

Since I was a little girl, my mami taught me to read and write at the tender age of 3. As my first teacher, she taught me the love of reading and writing. I read every book she brought from her native country, Dominican Republic. So she introduced me to the library at the age of 4 while my brother started kindergarten my mami and I would spend hours in the library. I reflect on that period in my life as one of the best memories of my childhood. Today, I can't live without my books and I am nothing without my writings. I write everywhere. I write on little notebooks, scrap paper, the walls (yes, I have been known to tag up a wall once or twice), my 40+ journals I own, and ofcourse on midnight (my laptop). And actually there is a place that I can't help but write in..that is my blackberry..The poetry in motion series is inspired by the poems and thoughts I write on the go..

Empty
in an empty place i lie
unfamiliar to this world i
was born and raised in
surrounded by long time strangers
who i call kin, friend, ally
they do not know me
i do not know me
i'm sinking
deeper and deeper
into an abyss
that is shrinking
my soul is withering away
i am not dying
it is worst
i am alone

Untitled/unfinished

i'm immersed into the mysteries of solitude
in search of the truth of my sadness
wondering if it is at all possible to seek joy
melancholic rage leads me to...
this emptiness
that seeps into my skin..
like the vampire that sucks the blood,
the life out of me


Metamorphosis
i think it is time
to [i must] crack open
the cocoon
to become
the butterfly
that i always dreamed of
called transformation

Audre Lorde

For those who know me, Sister Audre Lorde, is an instrumental force in my writing life. I am indebted to her for shaping my socio-political, feminist consciousness. This blog is dedicated to her and inspired by her wise words in one of her most courageous books, The Cancer Journals. She died on November 17, 1992 in St. Croix, after a 14-year struggle with breast cancer. She was 58. Rest In Peace, Sister Lorde!!

She wrote with a truthfulness that pierced our hearts and opened our eyes to the realities we hoped to long deny. Lorde was a fearless warrior and one of the firsts to write about her experiences as a Black Lesbian Feminist living with Breast Cancer. In fact, she was one of the first women in the U.S. to write about living with Breast Cancer. Ofcourse, in this white supremacist capitalist patriarchal society she is not regarded for this. But we know the truth.

Below is an excerpt from The Cancer Journals.

"Sometimes fear stalks me like another malignancy, sapping energy and power and attention from my work. A cold becomes sinister: a cough, lung cancer; a bruise leukemia. Those fears are most powerful when they are not given voice, and close upon their heels comes the fury that I cannot shake them. I am learning to live beyond fear by living through it, and in the process learning to turn fury at my own limitations into some more creative energy. I realize that if I wait until I am no longer afraid to act, write, speak, be, I'll be sending messages on a Ouija board, cryptic complaints from the other side. When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less important whether or not I am unafraid." pp.13

first day: wishing

a simple negrita
wishing to be heard
she screams
she yells
she moves
she dances
no sign of life out there
a lonely negrita
wishing to be seen
she moves
she grooves
she talks
she listens
but still no sign of life out there
a daring negrita
she walks
she talks
she moves
but still no sign of life out there
she knows that if there were life out there
they will know
that she is no simple negrita
but a rebel negrita...
who is in fact human.