Sunday, October 25, 2009

Acceptance

Last night's rain storm was a beautiful sight to see. The sounds of nature were truly calming. It had me thinking about acceptance. What does it mean to accept yourself as you are? And I guess it had me thinking about what I continue to avoid or deny and how I must accept where I am at in order to move forward so that I can heal fully.

We all avoid what we try long and hard to deny. What is your "thing" that you neglect to see or face? What is that thing you ignore because you are scared of the outcome? I have some random things that I avoid. As I write them I begin to think that they are not so random but all connected to my fears...

I avoid showing public displays of affection with friends and family. It makes me quite uncomfortable or so I think.

I avoid my true dreams and desires because I am scared of my own success.

I avoid....to ignore the truth of my life. You may be wondering what that truth is..but I am not sure yet.

I avoid my father because I am scared he will hurt me again.

I avoid the truth of my wishes to be a writer. But a part me believes that I am not really a "good" writer (whatever that means). That I don't write as well as I should. Sometimes I wish I could embrace more self-confidence. But I avoid that too.

I always wanted to write. Since I was a little girl but I did not cultivate my desire to write at an early age (with the exception of my journals) because I lacked the confidence. A part of me feels like writing is an essential part of living. The same way that breathing is important to living. So is my writing. Now I know that I must write. I know that my voice is unique but I avoid. I don't listen to the voice inside of me telling me its angry, frustrated, happy or sad. I do accept this reality and I am going to work on no longer turning my back on what I really want.

This list can go on and on. But I simply want to recognize and accept the things that I avoid. I know that we make a choice to avoid what we know we should embrace. To accept this reality is an important step in having the courage to change and love. This is what's it really about. The inevitability of change brings me comfort and also a bit of frustration. We in some ways think we have total control over change but we do not. It is like the tidal wave we either flow with it or against it. But remember the tidal wave will continue to flow..so its best to flow with it.

with courage,
RPoet

Friday, October 23, 2009

A Sweet Escape

I am learning that part of letting go of [the illusion] control is to be honest with yourself and what you are feeling. Be real! I am tired. I am stressed. I am not okay. On Wednesday, I walked to the corner store in search of a sweet escape (in this case it was ice cream). I greeted my fellow neighbor/store clerk. How are you? He said. Stressed and exhausted, I said. He looks at me. He is not shocked but a bit confused. He tells me “God doesn’t give you more than you can bear. You will get through this. You are not alone. You are never alone.” I walk out the store reflecting on this cliché that I hear often. I know it is true. God is always with me. I am never alone. We are never alone. But there are times when I doubt. The Christian guilt I was indoctrinated with becomes to emerge. (How dare you doubt God?) I come back to my senses, letting go of that “guilt.” It is okay to doubt. It is okay to be honest with yourself. But I know that I must never doubt that God is with me. That is something that I will always know is true. Sometimes I hold on to this need to feel like everything has to be planned and it has to go “my way.” And when it doesn't go my way. I break down. I must let that feeling and negative vibrations go. And while I write and obsess (at least it seems like I do) on the need to release “control” I continue to do it. Shoot! I mustn’t be hard on myself though. I’m human. I will have my moments but those will be expected. However, I am grateful to that afternoon of sweet escape. I went looking for a sugar rush that comes on a chocolate cookie crust with a vanilla ice cream filling but I left with so much more.

With Courage,
RPoet

poetry in motion: seeds of life

the seeds of life


i water the plants in hopes that they will grow
into beautiful petals of love, faith, and fearlessness
the sun begins to rise
the union of light, water, and soil help
cultivate the beauty that is change
as i plant the seeds of courage
the sun begins to shine its brightest
high noon sets on the garden of life

with courage,
RPoet

Saturday, October 10, 2009

The Courage to Live in the NOW

"When you are not honoring the present moment by allowing it to be, you are creating drama." Eckhart Tolle



It is very hard for me to live in the moment. I am constantly planning for later, tomorrow, and my future. There are times where living in the moment really does bring me peace and joy. And I feel grateful for just enjoying and living in the NOW. But there are other times where I am obsessing over getting through the work day or just counting down the beginning of the weekend looking at my watch every hour. Maybe Eckhart Tolle is right. If you do not honor the present moment you are creating drama. Being physically there in the moment is quite a challenge because I have found comfort in withdrawing from situations that pose a difficulty for me. Whether it is something I have long denied or something that makes me uneasy. I have navigated my life avoiding situations that I should confront head on. I used withdrawal as a tool to hide behind my emotions and feelings. And it did not really help me as it really was a tool for masking and hiding my feelings internally. Which led me to be angry, frustrated, and irritated all the time. Also, being in the moment is more than just saying "enjoy the moment because tomorrow is not guaranteed" it is about really feeling what it is you feel right NOW. It is accepting where you are and what you are feeling in the present in order for you to move forward and live tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and the future. Sometimes we plan for tomorrow and forget the moment. Sometimes we plan the future and forget that the living happens NOW. This is where courage steps in. I remind myself over and over that I am where I am supposed to be. And there are times where I am not happy in the NOW (like my current job) but that I have the power to change my present situation by accepting what it is i feel NOW to change my situation to make it better for tomorrow and the future. To have the courage to live in the present allows you to love in the tomorrow and in the future. I, you, and we are worthy of love. And when we do not give ourselves the time to be in the present moment and the space to FEEL and be human we not only create drama but we hold ourselves back from healing, growing, and loving. This drama not only hurts us but those that we love!

I am not perfect. I continue to struggle with living in the NOW. I am aware the path is not an easy one yet totally necessary for my healing and growth. I do enjoy this challenge. And you must know that it is a great challenge! Living in the NOW allows me to really look within and uncover what my deepest feelings are about myself and how this will have an impact on my future. This internal investigation only helps me become more fearless, courageous, and loving. WE all deserve to feel this. Right NOW I am happy, excited, and nervous about moving to a new place and starting a new job. I also know that I am where I am supposed to be. That brings me much comfort. I also meditate and practice (at-home)yoga as a way to allow me to be in the moment. Living in the NOW and trusting the process of life. And most importantly, knowing that you have the POWER to live in the NOW and the POWER to CHANGE your situation. Whether that means that you accept that you have the power to change your thoughts and behaviors to really improve your situation or you decide that in order to really be in the NOW you have to get out of your current situation. Which in my case i did by leaving the job I don't like (effective 10/16/09). Yay! We must have the courage to live in the now, love in the now, and be happy in the now. Avoid the drama and the anguish that is caused when you do not live in the present. Have the courage to live and love!


I use affirmations to really help transform me and my outlook. You are welcome to write your own affirmations. I write my affirmations and post them everywhere in my house. For example, in the bathroom, in my office, at my job near my computer monitor, my wallet, my planner, and sometimes i write it in the notes on my phone. Or you can practice a morning ritual: reading the affirmations to yourself in front of the mirror.

Affirmations:
I release the need to constantly plan for tomorrow and live in the now.
I release all criticisms and focus on what it is I can do to change my situation if I am not happy.
I have the power to control my thoughts and behaviors.
I have the courage to love myself and deal with what it is that is holding me back.

Do you have any affirmations that have worked for you? What have you learned about yourself from living in the present?

With Courage,
RPoet

Negrita Chronicles: Feminist Avengers

We all have our moments where we just want to get away and escape. I have those moments often and sometimes I imagine myself in my alter ego (Feminist Avenger) fighting the crimes of racist patriarchal capitalism on a daily basis....sounds fun, doesn't it?


making faces

i fear writing because i fear to be seen. instead i make faces when i experience isolation, frustration, distrust, discomfort and anger when folks prefer to objectify me and my existence. haciendo caras para que ellos sepan que estoy enojada. making faces so that i can finally be human. 'haciendo caras' is something i do to protect myself.

invisible

ella hablas espanol? me dices la senora que no deseas ver mi cara. she acts like i dont exist because to see me is to see herself. she prefers to silence my presence so that she can protect her prejudice beliefs about what it means to be dominican, latina, or a person of color. ella hablas espanol? si, yo si hablo espanol pero eso no es indicacion de mi latinidad. yo, soy negra, triguena y si dominicana. 'ella?' como si no tengo nombre. "she" like i don't have a name. like i am a nameless. like i am subhuman. a zombie who lives on this earth with no soul, sin corazon, sin cara, bodyless. mi lengua no es el unico simbulo de mi identidad. porque tengo que hablar espanol? para prueba que soy como usted?

present absence (incomplete)

i exist in the presence of others
who need me to affirm their realities
i then fail to exist in the presence of them
i become nothing
and then i am invisible again, and again.

untitled

i am finally at peace
the storm is now over
the winds have calmed
the clouds cleared
the sun is finally shining
i am simply me.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Unpacking my baggage takes courage.. Thanks Badu!

Poetry In Motion Series: I AM

On February 29, 2008, my dearest friend Laura lost her sister Kimberlly to breast cancer. I was blessed to know and spend time with Kim before her cancer returned (more aggressively in December 2007) and I learned we had a lot in common. One thing I admired of this strong, beautiful warrior was her willingness to love and forgive. I learned a lot about love and forgiveness from her. As a survivor of abuse, she never let it bring her down. She continued to smile and love her family, friends, and folks she did not even know with a warmth that I cannot describe.

I often think about Kim. I think of women like Kim dealing, suffering, and dying from breast cancer. Unfortunately, African American women have a higher risk of dying from a more aggressive and deadly form of breast cancer than white and other non white women. In fact the breast cancer death rate for women of color is 37% higher than it is for white women. I think about ALL of this. But we can help support women of color affected by breast cancer.

This poem is inspired by Kim and women of color all around the world affected by this deadly disease...


I Am
I am strong and beautiful
I wonder if we will ever find a cure
I hear the bells of freedom
I see hope on the horizon
I want to help others
I am strong and beautiful
I pretend that I am a bird soaring to new heights
I feel the power of the divine
I touch the wings of forgiveness
I worry that more of our sisters will die
I cry for our sisters we have lost
I am, we are strong and beautiful
I understand that pink isn’t always so pretty
I say let’s fight this disease together
I dream we will find a cure one day
I try to keep the faith
I hope we can help all women of color dealing and suffering from the deadly “pink” disease
I am, we are, strong and beautiful.
Let’s fight for a cure!

With courage,
Rebel P.


Some Helpful Resources:
Pink Isn't Always Pretty, Inc: www.pinkisntalwayspretty.org
Facing Our Risk Empowered:www.facingourrisk.org
African American Breast Cancer Alliance: http://aabcainc.org/
Army of Women: http://www.armyofwomen.org/
Pro Mujer:www.promujer.org
Women Caring For Women: http://www.latinabca.org/WomenCaringforWomen.asp
Latinas Contra Cancer: http://www.latinascontracancer.org/about/index.html