Tuesday, December 14, 2010

photography in motion

photography in motion



city hall, philadelphia

exploring my artistic side with photography



location: frankford and cottman ave, philadelphia

The Power of Yoga

As a recovering cynic, I am learning that we must take pleasure in the simple things in life. I am told to reflect of the moments and times where I am at “my best.” And while I wish I could answer that I am at my best all the time. I simply would be lying. I think as humans we have good days and bad days. I believe that those bad days allows for the sweetness of the good days. I am truly at my best when I am practicing yoga. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. These are two simple techniques that transform my life every time I practice. Why yoga? I am at my best when I practice yoga because it allows me to learn, accept, and embrace my body. On the mat I travel to a place that knows no bounds. As I inhale. I learn to accept the imperfections of my curves. I exhale the voices of popular culture. That say that fat is ugly. Love handles are not lovable. And that perfect bodies do really exist. Yoga allows me the space to truly express myself. Yoga is the expression of love. Yoga is about awareness. About the union of breathe, movement, and love. I learn to love my body in the presence of victorious breath. I embrace it for all of its curves, love handles, and flexibility. I learn to appreciate my body during my practice. It’s all about me. The outside world means nothing. Yoga allows me to look within. I focus on the source of all of my strength and inspiration that is God, love, and the freedom of self-expression. Inhale. I become one with light, joy, love. As I inhale I ingest the cool breeze of a hot summer day. I sniff the smell of sage burning. I breathe in the beauty of life. How sweet it is! Exhale. I let go of negativity, darkness, and frustration as I exhale. I let go of anxiety. I release it. I renounce. I give up all inhibitions. I’m vulnerable and strong. I’m weak and able. I am a worrier and survivor. I imagine myself inhaling all the goodness in the world. There is good in this world. The rays shine on me as I salute phoenix. Her fire radiates. My glow shines. I am at my best on the mat. I am allowed to express myself creatively. Freedom is the priority on the yoga mat. It doesn’t matter what happened yesterday or this morning. Yoga allows me to be in the now. And learning to be in the present allows me to show appreciation for my body, my self, and my mind. What a radical shift. For a negrita stuck in the past. Yoga is the bridge to N-O-W. Yoga is to be, to live, & to embrace the present. Living in a world that lives in the yesterday and obsesses in the tomorrows. We miss the gifts. But I make yoga my present. Yoga transforms me. Love is a radical shift. Yoga is love. Namaste.

written on 7 June 2009

Saturday, December 4, 2010

from a weed to a beautiful lavender colored tulip.

i read at my first open mic. no longer a poetic virgin. although i still feel like a poseur. i read this piece below.

(these words were born through an activity given to me by my therapist. i was to write about my body. how i see myself and how i want to see myself. it was an amazing writing exercise...)



i stand crooked and insecure. brown and awkward. i often go unnoticed. folks pass by me without even a second look. i am nothing yet i am something to somebody. this weed, me, growing in a sea of manicured faces. beautiful faces that look at me with questions like who is she? why does she look like that? i stand out like a sore thumb. there is no way getting around it. i am different. my branches do not curve. they are unattractive. difficult to look at. my legs are weak. the wind is blowing me left and right. i am fighting to stand tall but am unable to. i fight to raise my back but i fall back to my feet. until one day the rain washes away my sadness. the manicured lawn is shining bright. something comes over me. the green zombies start to morph into these dry, brown objects. lifeless beings. something is happening to me. this power is going through my veins. my brown stems are changing colors. ROYGBIV is starting to glow on my feet.

i stand tall, poised, and confident. no longer brown and dull. but black and bright. the sun is hugging me. my African ancestors are holding me up. i’m no longer afraid. i have the spirits of mi abuela, mi tia tata, mi abuelo ‘tin, and so many of my other kin. they made a path for me. i will not let them down. they planted the seeds of love, compassion, and courage on this growing bud. as i rise i notice that i am taller than the cookie cutter faces on the green pastures. i rise with a power i have never felt before. my green limbs resemble the beauty that i always known lied within. i stretch my hands out in mountain pose. the purple petals hug me and they stretch out. my salute to the sun is returned with a glow that brings my other petals out. the lavender kisses my face. i shift to warrior pose. then crescent moon. other petals just begin to grow. my strong, toned legs are holding my pose. i am a female warrior in a battle for my life. and i win. i choose life. from a weed to a blossoming tulip. i know that my growing is infinite. my beauty has no bounds. i am who God intended me to be. a beautiful, lavender, blossoming tulip.

namaste.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Love Letters....

Love Letter

I am sitting on my bed thinking about the last three months. I was asked to write myself a love letter. I thought it was a silly idea. I mean what do I have to tell myself that I have not told myself looking in the mirror. Then silly turned into frightened. I mean what do i really love about myself? Is there anything, really?

This letter is not a letter to a loved one who passed away. This letter is not about how much I love my significant other. This letter is about me, my body, my self, who I really am.

Dear Rebel Poeta:

You are a kind soul and soothing spirit. You are giving, trustworthy, and open-minded. You love unconditionally and you work hard to make others happy. You are simply beautiful. Your almond-shaped eyes, your coily locs, your flawless caramel colored skin, your beautiful crooked almost white teeth. Your broad-shoulders, strong toned arms, nicely round-perky breasts, and your almost flat belly. The scar on your lower-right side of your hip where you got your appendix taken out. Your small but round derriere. The curve on my almost toned back that allows me to do the most comfortable, soothing, and relaxing yogic back bends. Your strong, toned, and athletic legs. No, I never ran track in my entire life. But I have legs like a track star! I love my legs. My feet are wide but beautiful. I am a perfect size 10. I love my body. It is the way our Creator has intended. All these perfect imperfections make me beautiful!

I am beautifully human. I love every part of me.

Always take good care of yourself, sis!

With Love & Courage,
RP

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Do you have what it takes? To be whoever you dream to be.



If you really want something, you MUST run out and get it. Live your DREAM. Set GOALS. MAKE IT happen. There is no way to achieve your goals. To make your dreams into a reality if you do not work at it. I have to be my own cheerleader. No one is going to get me to my goal but me.

sister spaces + courage= healing

The night of October 15th, a few of my close sister-friends came together to be a part of our very own sister circle. We came with the essentials in our emotional backpacks: faith, trust, openness, courage, vulnerability, and most importantly love. We had no idea what to expect. All we knew was that we were ready to create a space where we can vent, scream, yell, cry, laugh, and celebrate....us.

This experience has made me see and understand the necessity to create safe spaces for women of color. These are difficult to do but not impossible. While I appreciate the spaces in the cyber world (shout outs to Model Minority, Crunk Feminist Collective, Patrice Berry, Bassey Ikpi, and so many other sistas I cannot name right now) I still miss the one-on-one or face time with a group of like-minded women who care about healing. I am so BLESSED to have been surrounded by fascinating and courageous WARRIORS.

Some of the recurring themes for our discussion were centered around abandonment, trauma, abuse, sexual assault, mental health, solitude, forgiveness, and searching for 'home.' It surprised me to see these women (i.e. most of these women I have known for more than 2 years) in a different light. They were not the women with shields too afraid for folks to see them. In this space they did not care about that. They were shedding the facade that they wear at their jobs or while they are teaching in the ivory tower. They were shedding the weight that holds them back from growing and glowing. The weight that does not protect them but precludes them from being who they really are. The sister circle allowed them to be perfect imperfections. Simply beautiful.

Some powerful words that stood out to me at our sister circle (excuse me for paraphrasing):

"I usually hold my emotions in for fear of burdening someone else with my issues."

"I have never been comfortable in friendships with women because I have been hurt too many times before."

"I'm looking for a space where I can be simply, me."



I was relieved to know that I was not alone. That I was not swimming in a vast sea on my own but that there were other women of color swimming with me--- I see us moving and swimming past the currents and riding the waves to get to the other side that is...healing.

I am glad to be on this journey with them. They are my life vests. I am confident that we will get to that side together.


With Courage,
Rebel Poeta

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Poetry in Motion: First Crush

I thought about you today
Better yet the deep end in the pit of my stomach did
it poked,yawned,burped,growled,cried,whaled
those noises I couldn’t control
like the anguish you hear when wolves cry out to their loved ones
feelings resurfaced
like the earthworms after a rainstorm
feelings of glee and joy
I was the new puppy on its way to its new family
My love for you never parted.
It just went into hibernation with the bears
It emerged on this Indian summer day in November

They hid in the mines of my soft spot….My heart
In hopes never to return again
But no those suckers couldn’t contain themselves
One smile from you ….My wall came crashing
Like the Berlin Wall did 20 years ago
Without a moment to soon
Those butterflies rushed back into my heart
How foolish of me…to think that I could control matters of the heart

I remember your warm embrace
The smell of your hair
I remember being tucked under your left arm
As I pretended to sleep
I inhaled the beautiful smell of peppermint in your hair
I nuzzled tightly under your skin
So that I can remember
This moment
Why couldn’t we be together?
She had you
I had another
We never gave it a chance

We knew we couldn’t be together
We held on tight
Hoping we could freeze time
I still close my eyes when I hug someone
the smell of peppermint
the breeze of this Indian Summer Day
And imagine them being you
(written November 10, 2009)

Thursday, October 14, 2010

lost

i had no desire to write in my blog. its been more than a month since i looked at my journals. it is more than writer's block. i did not have the words to say. i am depressed. i am exhausted. i am over-committed. i felt shame admitting to you that i was depressed. there seemed to be nothing valiant about saying that i was falling, falling, failing, failing you...and me.. but i am tired of containing these emotions. the bottle is filled to the brim. there's nothing courageous about holding my emotions. i was lost. lost in my thoughts. lost in PTSD. lost in my fears. fears of rejection. fears of being stuck in this rut. i find that i am my worst enemy. i push myself 'til i can't no more. (sniffles, sneeze, coughing). 'til i am sick to my stomach. but so many folks rely on me. they expect 'perfection.' they say: "she gets the job done." "i can always count on you." but who can i count on? who will be there for me?


i wish the voice inside of me was stronger than my fears. i wish that i could just run away. i'd chill on the beaches of cancun. go back to that place where i was soaking up the sun with my partner in july. just listening to the waves. i want to get away! in search of clarity. tired of being lost.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Poetry in Motion: love.loss.

i remember jubilee
where you loved me
unconditionally

i remember kisses
under the sycamore tree

i remember you
and me

please.please.

come back to me.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Smashing Patriarchy with Feminist Hulk

Peace Friends:

It has been a long while since I have written. But fear not I will be back soon. In the meantime I wanted to share someone who always keeps me inspired as we continue to trek this white supremacist patriarchal world. Feminist Hulk does what our fellow avengers, sheroes, feminists, warriors do: fight patriarchy and smash the isms each and every day.


with courage,
Rebel Poeta

Monday, August 9, 2010

self-love is a top priority if you want to heal

these posts are dedicated to my sister--lola! let's just say she's saved me more than she knows... although she is my younger sister and I always thought my job was to protect her..the roles have reversed. my sister is a therapist for teens. so our dialogue had to do with the importance of therapy. therapy as an act that truly allows you to be vulnerable (whether you like it or not) but helps you focus on yourself. something that her and I have had quite a bit of trouble doing...

"We must break the cycle of putting others first. And teach our kids (who are inheriting our baggage) that it's okay to put yourself first. It's important for us to keep a balance between our needs and the needs of others.In doing this we promote
self love."


(i have the most amazing conversations with my baby sis. if you ask me our email dialogue can be turned into book chapters. she totally inspires me literally each and every day. here is my response. our discussion: practicing a loving ethic).

since my therapist shared with me that (she was hesitant to diagnose me as that is not her approach, which i deeply respect) I exhibit patterns of someone who suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder also known as PTSD I began my own research and have been so deep in retrospection and self-reflection. Through this research, I learned that she was accurate. I cried because it made sense. I cried because I know NOW that I want to take better care of myself in every sense of the word: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

so its so important that you do the same. we are taught as women of color to put others first. to find pleasure in taking care of everyone else. i get caught up sometimes but then i remind myself that it is okay to please myself. take care of me.

its crazy how it is the minute you put a name to something that you see, understand, and accept that things can be DIFFERENT. You CAN change. I know NOW I can treat PTSD. it does get hard but i can BEAT this.

i also feel shame surrounding my mental health as well as being open about being sexually abused. its b/c i feel like it implicates my family. and unfortunately, it does. but no one is at fault. it happens to so many people. everyday. and i am tired of remaining silent. there is a lot of power in using your voice. speaking truthfully. your truth allows my truth allows their truths allows our truths to be celebrated, recognized, and powerful.

i heart audre lorde.
i heart lola.
i heart all courageous warriors who speak truth to power.

Coming OUT is Courageous

as a self-proclaimed Black Feminista, i thought i had it all figured out. until my baby sis came out to me more than four years ago. her coming out became my coming out. she allowed me to re define what it meant to be a feminista. she also allowed me to see and understand that sexuality is more fluid than we have been taught. her courage to come out to my Latino family...is not only a courageous act but one that she felt was necessary. in order to live fully we must be true to ourselves and those we love. this is not to say we all have to "come out." we have the right to live our lives fully in whatever way we choose.



thank you, baby sis! for inspiring me each and every day.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Fear Factor

"Fear is nothing more than a mental monster you have created, a negative stream of consciousness." -Robin Sharma
(retrieved from Power of Positivity iPhone app)


With courage,
RP

Friday, July 23, 2010

Let it Go

Happy Friday!!

I woke up this morning to intense emotions about what I have to do today. I got up from my bed flustered with worrying. I decided to return to my bed. Sitting down. I began to meditate. And the words flowed out of me: Let it Go.

Let it all GO!!

Like me, many of us spend our time worrying about everything and anything. We fret about the past, the present, and future situations that haven't happened. We worry because we fear. As someone, who suffers from anxiety disorder I know what it's like to deal with constant worry. I have to work really hard to reduce my anxiety, let go of worry, and just be in the present. I have to practice yoga at least 3 times a week, pray, meditate and do vigorous exercise. If I don't....you do not want to be around me! TRUST ME.ha ha! I know it is not easy......but we must LET IT GO. LET IT GO. LET IT GO.

We worry about the things beyond our control. Why not make a radical shift? Focus on what we have the power to control. Yes, we have more power than we give ourselves credit for.

Think about and answer: What is actually within your control?


We have the power to be happy. We are the architects of our destiny.
We choose how we feel on a daily basis.
We have the power to change our thoughts, actions, and behaviors.
We are NOT alone. Our creator is always with us. We are not given more than we can bear.

Today, whatever is bothering you, whatever you are worried about, whoever you are worried about....Just know that this too shall pass (Listen to India.Aire!!). Worry only leads to more worry. Worry will make you physically, emotionally, and mentally ill. It leads to stress, depression and an infinite cycle of anxiety that is good for NO ONE.

My Affirmations:
Today is a new day. The past is behind us.
I am strong, brave, and courageous.
I will do my best today.



How do you deal with worry? Any positive affirmations you would like to share? Please do send me your comments.



From my sister Migue's words: Choose to be a WARRIOR not a WORRIER!!!

with courage,
RP

Friday, July 16, 2010

poetry in motion: the other side of happy

we all have those days. where nothing seems right. the poem below is one of those days for me. i cringe before i click 'publish post' because this poem feels incomplete. like there is more to give but i don't. i cringe again. but its time i let go. sometimes things are not the way you like them to be but you try anyway. this is my way of trying and letting go. hope you enjoy.


the other side of happy

i do not feel fulfilled
i am on a path with no direction
loved ones surround me with their own
dreams and narrow roads
while i am winding, turning, hitting dead ends,
heading on curvy paths that lead me to unknown destinations
feeling incomplete

the glass is half empty

but i hold on to my cloaks of hope
and my main accessory that is love
i am destined for greatness
for things unheard of
for magical gifts unseen

the glass is half full


a little embarrassed but still tough,
RPoet

Thursday, July 15, 2010

moving mountains..

i woke up this morning and went right on the mat. my yoga practice is essential just like brushing my teeth. so i did just that. i did not feel like power yoga so i turned on fit tv and followed shiva rea's vinyasa flow: water and shanti practices. the shanti practices were all downward facing dogs, warrior poses, back bends and hip openers. as yogis and yoginis know, hip openers help open and release emotions. for me they always help release the tension i have in my root chakra. my body desperately needed these hip openers. my soul was desperate to release the tension, anxiety, fears i have been carrying the past five days. in releasing all these emotions and energy something happened.. i cried. i went upstairs and talked to my partner about the things i have been holding in. all of my fears about my past, present AND future. (the easiest way for me to be overwhelmed, stressed, and confused is to obsess over my baggage! don't we all?) he simply listened. gave me useful advice but he knew i was not listening. i went to the bathroom to get in the shower.. and i heard him call my name. something told me to walk back into our office. and that is when he told me "I want to read something to you. Just sit and listen." He began to read Matthew 17:14-20. I began to cry. I am not a religious person. I've only read the bible as an obligation (born and raised catholic). But today. I was ready to listen to those words "So Jesus said to them, “Because of your unbelief;[b] for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you." Beautiful words!! With faith the size of a mustard seed (truly a small, small seed) you can move mountains!

that is what i know i can do..move mountains. all i need is faith and belief in the greater (supreme) being. With God I am not alone. (I am still not a religious person. I prefer to focus on my spiritual (soul) foundation. I enjoy reading the bible, buddhism and I hope to read the Q'uran soon). With God you are NEVER alone.

sending you love and much courage,
RPoeta

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Bicycles ( Thanks to Nikki Giovanni)

In my 28 years of living I never owned a bike in my life. Actually my three siblings and I never had a bike we could call our own. Mami couldn't afford it. Yet that didn't stop us from riding one. Thanks to the community of friends who let us borrow theirs surrounding the few blocks that made up Hunts Point we learned. Early on, I was desperate to learn to ride a bike. I watched all my friends get up and go their merry way up and down the street blocks. I envied their carefree attitudes. "I wanted what they had...the freedom to ride." So I got the nerve to ask my friend to give me one ride. I wanted it real bad. I couldnt help myself. I was itching to ride. And when I did. it felt good!! That was the best ride of my life! lol Okay, maybe not the best but I always remember that day like it was an adventure...a climb up Mt. Everest. I was so proud of myself.

I learned to trust my body by balancing on a friend's two wheels. I wanted that part of my childhood back. That moment in time as an eleven year old (before the sexual abuse and internalized self-loathing) where I did not second guess myself or doubt my greatness.

I listened to the inner-chica in me and did just that. Eight weeks ago I went into Target like a kid in FAO Schwartz (or Toys R Us). Trying on bikes like a diva tries on shoes. And found the bike that was just right. I got on that bike like I been riding for years! It felt so good to ride...free. I loved myself enough to believe in myself and seek balance in order to ride freely down the Philly streets!! I learned that bicycles, like love, requires trust and balance (Nikki Giovanni).



with courage,
rebel poet

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

rest in peace abuelita.

death is a part of life. my paternal grandmother died three weeks ago. i was devastated. we were not expecting it. one minute she was healthy, dancing, singing and cooking (as she told my mother via phone) and then she was in the hospital fighting to breathe in the breath of life but her lungs and heart failed on her. i felt robbed. i just got my grandmother back (i reconnected with her in 2008). and now she is gone! i was mad. only for a minute. then i was sad. i later remembered that God knows best. her spirit is and will always be with me.

mi abuela sofia te quiero mucho.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Becoming The Constant Gardener

"If you allow compassion to spring from your heart, the fire of anger will die right away."

I'm focused on planting the seeds of compassion in every aspect of my life. I work to practice compassionate listening, compassionate understanding, compassionate patience and just being an all around loving person. I want to move away from judging a person based on how they make me react to things they might do. It's definitely a challenge but when you are mindful and allow yourself to listen, see, and reflect. You begin to see that they are not the central causes of those reactions. Shit is hard to be able to do all the time. But it is ME that is the cause not anyone else. Sometimes I don't practice mindfulness (I.e. Compassion) and I slip. I say something mean. I flip out! I use sarcasm to deflect from the situation or get angry. Here, I fail to commit to my duties as the gardener. How can I plant and nurture seeds if I don't commit to a practice? How can I become a better gardener to myself and others around me?

I want to do away with anger and reduce the stress and anxiety that I have. I know it's not easy but I have been doing much better. I also have learned that I have to be disciplined about my practice of mindful meditation. It is my antidote to doing away with anger and anxiety. Everytime I'm close to slipping I think of my garden. For everyday I slip I'm failing to water (nurture) the seeds of compassion. I never thought I could be a gardener but today I know I can. We all could. The seeds of anger and anxiety should not be so closely tended to. Why continue to nurture the weeds in my garden? They must be clipped! Are you ready to get rid of the bad seeds (that do not blossom but hinder your growth) in your life? I am!
What will you do to plant the seeds of healing in your life? Are you ready to blossom?

Remember healing is like gardening.


With courage,
RP

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Reunited...and it feels SO good!!!

It was Sunday. The last Sunday in March to be exact. My father called me to tell me that we had a half sister. I was shocked but I was not angry. A little sister?! :-) yay!! How exciting?! That was when I realized that I had forgiven my father and in turn have forgiven myself. He and I have come a long way! We have been talking for the last four months on a consistent basis. To be honest it feels really good to have a friendship with him. He's gotten into sending my siblings and I text messages which I think is super cute. He's not the father I dreamed I wanted when I was a kid. He was never around. Left my mother and her four kids to take care of ourselves. He was emotionally and physically absent. I resented and believed I hated him for years. I used to pray and pray for him to be a father to us. Although he's not the father I hoped for he IS the father our Creator has blessed me (and my siblings) with. I can and have accepted that. It has allowed me to have a relationship with him that I never imagined. And I'm beginning to see myself in him. Something I was not able to do before. It makes me happy to have him in my life. There are still some things (actually a great deal of ish) we are working through. But I'm really happy and eager to begin the path of love with him.

You might be wondering about this new sister. I spent the weekend with family back home in NYC. My siblings and I reunited with our little sis. She's a 17 year old high school senior going to John Jay college in the fall. She's smart, funny, witty and an avid reader. Kind of reminds me of someone I know (wink, wink). I loved her the moment I met her. She fit right in. And the look on my father's face was priceless!! It was so worth it having him spend time with most of his kids. (We have an estranged sibling who's not ready to meet us yet. We are hopeful he will come around but if he doesn't that is okay too). Forgiveness allowed me the space to enjoy the fruits of my amazingly, funny, loving, and crazy family. I would not have it any other way....

With love and courage,
Rebel P



Sunday, April 18, 2010

Self-love

"Loving yourself is a decision to live happily ever after one day, one moment and one choice at a time." -Unknown


Con valor,
RPoeta

Thursday, April 15, 2010

keeping it real: i am ANGRY

"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live."

- Goethe

dedicated to my sister-friend migue

i woke up this morning. 10 minutes of meditations, 30 minutes of yoga later. i experienced an 'aha' moment. then tears. i am angry. not at my partner, family, or friends. but at myself. my anger is linked to how i see, treat, and care for myself. it ain't right how hard i am on my 'self.' i asked myself (in the mirror) for forgiveness. then i cried like a baby. too ashamed to look in the mirror. anger is a sign of self-doubt and lack of faith in my self and in a higher power. i know that now. and i vowed to keep it real. i'm ready to heal!



on this quest to uncover the roots of my anger, i have learned that i have been nurturing my anger while neglecting the other seeds of love, compassion, and confidence. i discovered that there is a connection between my anger and (lack) self-confidence. i'm not sure if the two are so dichotomous (where you must have one over the other. anger is a part of life. but anger over time is what does us harm). i dont think that is the case. but what i do know is that anger (alone) is not healthy and must be dealt with. this anger has morphed into resentment, negativity, frustration, hate (sometimes), and even a bad attitude (taking my frustration out on my loved ones). i been working to embrace my anger in order to get to the truth. but shit how the truth hurts!! it kinda shames me to admit that i really feel or think bad of myself. i mean shit, low-self-esteem?! i should have gotten over this during my post-teen years! ha! yet, this is my reality today. and i can't sleep in the belly of denial. its time to rise above.

rising above means getting through the difficult, embracing what makes me uncomfortable and getting to the why of my anger. i also have realized that i cant do it alone. being open and honest about anger is the only way to heal. this morning i told my partner: "i am angry. i just want you to know that. thanks for your patience." i also wanted to tell him that i needed him. but the words did not come out. the presence of anger still lingered. but i'm cool with that right now. at least i knew what it was.

anger makes you believe the most foolish things. and its so blinded by fear. as we know, anger is a form of fear. one of the ways i hold on to my fears is to be angry about the fact that i still am not where i would like to be in my career. instead it manifests into "i can't stand my coworker, he/she is incompetent!" but what does that have to do with me? is that my issue? no! of course this person as my colleague might impact the work environment which in turn will (probably) affect the organization. but it has NOTHING to do with me. that is my coworker's business (read: the four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz). its not about me. but i use anger to project my frustrations out on someeone else. using that (my coworker's poor work skills) as the cause even though it is secondary.. the primary cause of my anger lies within ME. that coworker is not the reason for my anger. your partner is not the cause of your anger, either. woosah! i'm just keeping it real! and real hurts.. anger hurts. fear hurts. shit, healing hurts. However, we know that we must heal our wounds to deal with the pain and do away with the anger inside. we must put an end to feeding our fears and instead focus on love.

i know that if i work on building, watering (seeds of love) and caring for me i can learn to possibly do away with my anger. if i continue to nourish, anger will become a small part of me, and love will blossom....as it should.

con mucho valor,
RPoeta

Thursday, April 8, 2010

On Anger

"Anger and love are both of an organic nature, and thus they both can change. Hate can always be transformed into love. And unfortunately, many times love is transformed into hate." Thich Nhat Hanh, Taming the Tiger Within: Meditations on Transforming Difficult Emotions

I have been watering the seeds of anger that lies within me for much too long. I am learning that I have the power to change it. All I need is to be mindful (through meditation, breathing, truthfulness, and love). For the last two weeks, I have been working on my anger. Thanks to the Buddhist teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh I am learning to become a student of mindful meditation. It is a process but now I know that every time I am begin to get angry or anxious that the first step is to embrace the feeling. Trying to avoid or neglect that those feelings exist only make it worse and do nothing but evade the responsibility I have to face my (fears) feelings of anger. It has been quite an arduous task to embrace the feeling. Coming from someone who automatically (without any second thought) tries to conceal those feelings or act like they don't exist. To face my feelings of anger is to admit that something is wrong. Also, it requires that I unpack the root of this anger. The unpacking is not like when you return home from a vacation and you struggle to empty out the luggage because you are too tired to unpack all of the items you carried on your trip. It is worst. This emotional baggage sits deeper and deeper in the luggage of your mind. You gotta get through the first layer to begin unpacking. Then the second, the third, the fourth...The closer I get to unpacking the more I learn about myself. I begin to see and understand the ways I have used anger and the ways that anger has nurtured my anxiety (disorder). I am finally understanding that to get to the root of my fear I have to.. no I MUST face my baby, anger (read the book,Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh).

with lots of courage,
RPoet

City View of El Paso

the beautiful embrace of mountains..hugging El Paso

Franklin Park, El Paso, TX

Cactus in El Paso, Texas..

Playing...

Playing as a form of healing (with photography)

Thursday, April 1, 2010

mules of the world

niggers bitches whore
cunt fucker mother
patriarchy sexism
men macho jefe hombre
dickheads crossing prepubescent
paths in the name of desire
horny rational
dick balls sperm
flies blindly reproducing
misunderstandings of oppressive
realities for the sake of humanity
it all began with it
becoming he
capitalismo. imperialism
greed poor rich visible
silent ghost invisible
hunger gluttony selfish
unequal playing fields
premised on the idea that you
must break a sweat
to be in scene (seen)
present absence
can you hear me?
can you see me?
the race was lost
before it even began
cunts never win.
niggers always lose.
black bitches don't even get to
race
we are the damned...wretched of the earth

Friday, March 26, 2010

Writer's block

It's been ages (okay more like several weeks) since I've put pen to paper. No poems in sight. No portraits to paint. Fear has been clouding my thoughts, stress has been digging me like a hammer to a nail and my anxiety has been through the roof. I been holding the truth from myself. I thought that not addressing it and fighting it within would be the solution. I told myself "Smile, it will make you happy. Laugh, even when it's not funny. Play nice even if those co-workers irk the shit out of you." exhale. Healing is a process. But denial definitely is a hindrance to this progress. I thought I was doing well 'til the words appeared today on my journal...... seeing these words now makes them feelings that have resurfaced so real.


With courage,
RP

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Origins of Transformation





Butterflies were once confined to a past that relegated them to solitude.
sitting in silence.
becoming one with nature.
finding their roots on land.
sliding left and then right. left and then right. on a path
that they knew would be greater than they could ever imagine.
the cocoon knew it was destined for greatness.
land animals would sit around it. wondering what would emerge in this little
unnoticable shell of a cocoon. never knowing that it would soon serve a purpose beyond their imagination.
the cocoon firmly planted into the grounds of the earth.
its roots shaping the transformation that would soon come.
the land of our mother nature is helping the cocoon reach it's path.
slowly. it meditates. slowly. it imagines. slowly it visualizes a place beyond its foundation.
never thinking that time would soon lead to a metamorphosis of sorts
the cocoon would simply hold tight to the foundation that was it's home.
they smelled the grass. made friends with land animals.
but never did they feel like they were serving their purpose in life.
until one day. the sun was shining its brightest.
so bright the baby [it] inside the cocoon noticed the light coming inside its cocoon.
the [it] cocoon looked into the light. the light led it to the crack. the crack became a hole. and then the hole
became bigger and bigger.
the cocoon. transformed. becoming a beautiful butterfy. with blues, purples, yellows, and oranges.
the land animals couldn't believe it.
the it became a butterfly. from a thing to something special.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Yoga as a practice of love

As a recovering cynic, I am learning that we must take pleasure in the simple things in life. As I reflect on the the moments and times where I am at “my best.” And while I wish I could answer that I am at my best all the time. I simply would be lying. I think as humans we have good days and bad days. I believe that those bad days allows for the sweetness of the good days. I am truly at my best when I am practicing vinyasa flow yoga. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. These are two simple techniques that transform my life every time I practice. Why yoga? I am at my best when I practice yoga because it allows me to learn, accept, and embrace my body. On the mat I travel to a place that knows no bounds. As I inhale. I learn to accept the imperfections of my curves. I exhale the voices of popular culture. That say that fat is ugly. Love handles are not lovable. And that perfect bodies do really exist. Yoga allows me the space to truly express myself. Yoga is the expression of love. Yoga is about awareness. About the union of breathe, movement, and love. I learn to love my body in the process of yoga. I embrace it for all of its curves, love handles, and flexibility. I learn to appreciate my body during my practice. It’s all about me. The outside world means nothing. Yoga allows me to look within. I focus on the source of all of my strength and inspiration that is God, love, and the freedom of self-expression. Inhale. I become one with lightness as I inhale. Exhale. I let go of negativity, darkness, and frustration as I exhale. I imagine myself inhaling all the goodness in the world. There is good in this world. I am at my best on the mat. I am allowed to express myself creatively. Freedom is the priority on the yoga mat. It doesn’t matter what happened yesterday or this morning. Yoga allows me to be in the now. And learning to be in the present allows me to show appreciation for my body, my self, and my mind. Yoga is love. Namaste.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Healing Takes Courage

(it takes tons of courage to write open and honestly. these words below were very hard to write. but i share this with the hopes that my past, present, and hopeful future..help you on this journey to healing.)

Therapy requires one to be open, honest and in many ways vulnerable. It has been a true exercise of courage for me. I learned some interesting things about myself by talking to a perfect stranger: honest, openly, and free of worry/fear/judgment.

By talking honest and openly, I learned (the power of voice..allows you to learn and reflect on your past) and remembered:

I have not yet fully healed from my past that is filled with loads of trauma. Like every other human being in this world, right?! But all jokes aside, being physically and sexually abused can take a toll on you. Especially if you are like me and you taught yourself to repress any feels of pain, hurt or vulnerability. I have lived my entire life separating my "self" from myself. Today, I take baby steps to end that self-inflicted pain.

Growing up, I avoided sports because I was scared to undress around everyone. Now I had to change for PE classes but I wore layers of clothes under my clothes..I just did not want to look at myself EVER.

I am out of wack when I "lose control." I am in a funk. Funky McNasty, to be exact! I want to punch a wall?! I also have tons of anger and want to totally withdraw and avoid the truth of my frustration. I link this with the ways survivors of abuse learned early on to disassociate from their feelings and body. I hear time and time again from fellow sistren who have experienced sexual/physical abuse--the out of body experience they have. We try to separate ourselves from our bodies. I remember trying to separate my 'self' from my body. I used this as a survival strategy I guess. Now, I try not to feel vulnerable or the fear of hurt makes me withdraw altogether. It's fugged up! Because it does not work. I know I have the power. I also am aware that I have more control than I know. I have to give myself more credit. I am truly blessed. It's just a matter of believing it.

"School's, the only thing I'm good at!" I used to believe that. I told myself as a young girl that although my perpetrator took the "best of me" (which is SO not true) I had school as a safe space. I was always a voracious reader and I really enjoyed school (not like I was the A student). I really saw it as a space where I can really be good at something or try. I was able to be a "student," "scholar," "good friend" etc. IT created a safe space for me. I didn't have to even think about my body. I focused on my mind. I became all of these categories..but never human! Total bad faith. Sartre is right!! I used this to evade responsibility. I didn't allow myself to be a total human being (with all my perfect imperfections). (I think (secretly) I like the "boundaries" that academia allowed I guess in some ways I knew what to expect and never would I get hurt. I had no expectations and never had to worry (or almost never) about being vulnerable. IT's totally weird. I'm still working through this because I'm not sure that's all true. Maybe I'm not the total cynic. There's still hope for me!!)

Okay, tears filling the eyes. Tears soaking the laptop. I think it's time, to end this post.

Tears.They are all good and much needed tears. It's time I put the "superwoman" to rest. It's time to put the "shero" cloak down. I have a painful past that I MUST revisit in order to grow/heal/free myself, present possibilities and a hopeful future.

With tears, courage, and love,
RP