In times of crisis....

These last two weeks have been very difficult. Someone really close to me is in trouble. Unfortunately, there is not much I can physically do to help this person. So what I have been doing is something that I found to be important. Pray. Stay Positive. Keep the faith.


I am learning that in times of crisis, you learn not only who your real friends and family are but that problems or situations you have long denied only get magnified in moments of despair. You are given this opportunity to confront the dilemma head on. One must decide do I address this issue or wait for another day (read: avoid it)? I say confront the issue. Even if you are dealing with a crisis. Both can be done. In moments like this, I reflect upon my life and count my blessings. I also pray more and spend time with friends who love me and will be there for me. The old me would lock herself in her mental cave and withdraw from the world. Not anymore. Over time I have learned that if I want to practice a loving ethic I must embrace the community that will support me.

In times of crisis, take the opportunity to confront the predicament with the support of your family and friends. One is never alone!

with courage, vulnerability, and love,
RP

artist credit: drawing by my 8 year old "niece."

Healing Takes Courage

(it takes tons of courage to write open and honestly. these words below were very hard to write. but i share this with the hopes that my past, present, and hopeful future..help you on this journey to healing.)

Therapy requires one to be open, honest and in many ways vulnerable. It has been a true exercise of courage for me. I learned some interesting things about myself by talking to a perfect stranger: honest, openly, and free of worry/fear/judgment.

By talking honest and openly, I learned (the power of voice..allows you to learn and reflect on your past) and remembered:

I have not yet fully healed from my past that is filled with loads of trauma. Like every other human being in this world, right?! But all jokes aside, being physically and sexually abused can take a toll on you. Especially if you are like me and you taught yourself to repress any feels of pain, hurt or vulnerability. I have lived my entire life separating my "self" from myself. Today, I take baby steps to end that self-inflicted pain.

Growing up, I avoided sports because I was scared to undress around everyone. Now I had to change for PE classes but I wore layers of clothes under my clothes..I just did not want to look at myself EVER.

I am out of wack when I "lose control." I am in a funk. Funky McNasty, to be exact! I want to punch a wall?! I also have tons of anger and want to totally withdraw and avoid the truth of my frustration. I link this with the ways survivors of abuse learned early on to disassociate from their feelings and body. I hear time and time again from fellow sistren who have experienced sexual/physical abuse--the out of body experience they have. We try to separate ourselves from our bodies. I remember trying to separate my 'self' from my body. I used this as a survival strategy I guess. Now, I try not to feel vulnerable or the fear of hurt makes me withdraw altogether. It's fugged up! Because it does not work. I know I have the power. I also am aware that I have more control than I know. I have to give myself more credit. I am truly blessed. It's just a matter of believing it.

"School's, the only thing I'm good at!" I used to believe that. I told myself as a young girl that although my perpetrator took the "best of me" (which is SO not true) I had school as a safe space. I was always a voracious reader and I really enjoyed school (not like I was the A student). I really saw it as a space where I can really be good at something or try. I was able to be a "student," "scholar," "good friend" etc. IT created a safe space for me. I didn't have to even think about my body. I focused on my mind. I became all of these categories..but never human! Total bad faith. Sartre is right!! I used this to evade responsibility. I didn't allow myself to be a total human being (with all my perfect imperfections). (I think (secretly) I like the "boundaries" that academia allowed I guess in some ways I knew what to expect and never would I get hurt. I had no expectations and never had to worry (or almost never) about being vulnerable. IT's totally weird. I'm still working through this because I'm not sure that's all true. Maybe I'm not the total cynic. There's still hope for me!!)

Okay, tears filling the eyes. Tears soaking the laptop. I think it's time, to end this post.

Tears.They are all good and much needed tears. It's time I put the "superwoman" to rest. It's time to put the "shero" cloak down. I have a painful past that I MUST revisit in order to grow/heal/free myself, present possibilities and a hopeful future.

With tears, courage, and love,
RP

Survivor's Narrative: Walking Through Fear

The cycle of abuse reigns true for many human beings on this Earth. We have a tendency to live with our childhood or past traumas like a piece of clothing. As a survivor of sexual and physical abuse, I know that pain too well. The loss of power and control was so paralyzing that I did not want to experience that again. I wanted to be in control of every situation that I participated in as a way to avoid the loss of control I felt when I was abused. However, as I know now (thanks to therapy) that this thirst for control was doing me more harm than good. This obsession with a false image of control made it even harder for me to cope with the abuse because all it did was allow me to neglect the pain caused by my past rather than confront it and deal with it.

It's time we confront our fears. It's time we walk through the fear than away from it.

I'm a fear addict

abusing myself

knowing that fear

is ever so present

it is my comfort

my companion

undesirable nonetheless

but it is present

and i am used to it

but fear is an addiction

i want to detox

maybe i cant get rid of it

in its entirety but i can

work to accept its existence

while battling it and having it

serve a small part in my life

learning to work through the fear

rather than against it

because that does us no good

we only tend to avoid or deny that fear exists

but working through it allows you to face and confront the fears

only to begin to make it a small part of your life.

fear is an addiction

i want to detox