Hello Fear!

As we welcome and embrace autumn, I reflect on the past three months (summer). All the grieving and worry is finally coming to a place where I can find peace in these emotions. My brother in law is in the spirit world. We continue to mourn and ache for him. Every day gets harder and harder. Tuesdays are especially hard. He passed on a Tuesday (April 12, 2011). My little brother reappeared. We are thankful that he is alive and well. But there is still much work to be done.

As I mentioned a hundred times, the fear sometimes is greater than the actual thing or situation that you think you are afraid of. Fear is tricky, devious, and sneaky. It can mask itself as love, lust, greed.. It can even live within a person that you may hold dear to your heart. Fear is paralyzing but also necessary. Sometimes you have to look fear in the face and say HELLO!! I know you are present but I will work to lessen the power you have over me. Today, I say hello to FEAR! I hope you feel inspired to do the same. Here is some morning inspiration.


With Courage,
RPoeta

Breaking Silences

"...And there are so many silences to be broken." -Cancer Journals: Special Edition Audre Lorde

I feel a great deal of pain.

Pain for my sister who lost her husband two months ago.

Pain for my little brother who I haven't seen in over 3 months.

Pain for my mother, who aches for her baby boy. With the fear that she may never see him again.

Pain for myself. Because I can't stop the self-loathing.

I ache, ache, ache for my loved ones and myself.

This pain I hold. I hold tender in my heart. I hold it tucked in my mind. Like one holds on to a newborn baby for fear of exposing it to the pain of the outside world. I prefer to conceal the pain.

I hold on to my pain and fears. Rather than let them go. To let these things go would mean opening the cages I have kept locked in for far too long.

I re-read Audre Lorde's Cancer journals because I know she will help me see that silence is worst than the fear of showing my true self.

Image: Street Art in center city, Philly. Taken with Instagram (@sapphireshoots).


With Courage,
Rebel Poeta

Zenith

Lost in my thoughts
Hiding in the shadows
Surfing the waves
Headed to the unknown
My mind is
Like the Bermuda triangle
I may not return

To be searching
For sanity
In a state of insanity


Who will tell the little girl
That her future self will be alright?


Two lost souls uniting at zenith
A point of no return

An eternity of restlessness
On the hunt for what is true
For what is righteous

For love...

With courage,
Rebel Poeta


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

spreading negative energy

dealing with depression affects not only you but your loved ones. i find myself pushing friends and family away or making their lives a living inferno. a sunny day in Philly that i can't seem to see through these eyes. its much darker and foggy through my lenses. don't feel like my 'self.'

for some reason, i can't control these feelings and the ways this energy is diffused. i feel terrible to do this to them. which only makes me feel worse about myself and may make it hard to get over this depression. sometimes i think they are better off without me....but i know that is not true. i just have to get through this rough patch...

thanks for listening (and reading)!

with a pinch of courage,
RP

depression

i have relapsed into this abyss that i once thought was behind me. i can't sleep. i can't eat. i can't even think. without this fog that clouds my mind, thoughts, emotions...

sadness consumes me
melancholic rages
warp my mind
the clouds begin
to hide the sun
as the storm begins
the light no longer
in sight
the pain stings
the anger burns
tears invade my veins
poison kills me slowly

do roses really grow from concrete?
does the light truly shine through?
what really happens after the storm?
will i survive this?
is there an end in sight?

with courage,
RP

losing a loved one

someone that meant a lot to my family and i passed away almost four weeks ago. it was tragic and unexpected. but we are getting through it.

death has a funny way of teaching you how to live. you have two choices: you live your life in fear or live your life in/with love. after losing him, i learned that we must choose the latter. with open minds and hearts we MUST choose love. it hurts to know that this person is no longer with us in this world. but i know that he will be with us in a different form. i find comfort in that. i have been grieving in my own way by practicing silent meditations and expressing my feelings when i find the strength to. keeping it safe and secure within does not help me and those who care about me.

death has a way of teaching you to be fearless. we know that death is the one thing that is certain. one should not live one's life in fear of dying. but we should live with faith and awareness that while it [death] is inevitable we will live our life to the fullest.

i am grateful to have known him.. to have good memories and to know that he came in to our lives for a reason.

Blame the victim?

The mind is an amazing and powerful muscle. It never fails when March rolls around I go into a deep depression. My body does not feel my own. I think about the day I was date raped back in college. 10 years ago on March 5th. I think about how things changed for the rest of my life. I still have regret (like I could've done something to change what happened..which is not true!). A regret that lies at the core of white supremacist patriarchy. How we blame the survivor of assault. How we question her motives or say its her fault for the rape?!

I think of the 11 year old Latina from Cleveland, Texas a victim of gang rape..and the community's harrowing response. I think of folks who have all this sympathy for Chris Brown but still question Rihanna. I think of all the little black and brown girls who are survivors of abuse but never, never, never speak up because they know like I know that they will get blamed too.

As a survivor, resisting and making meaning of my traumatic experiences is a daily struggle for me. But I get through it by fighting and using the tools of self-love and resistance to get me through. And IT DOES!!

As a feminist, I am aware that the way I am made to feel (this guilt, blame, and shame) is a part of a larger social and oppressive structure that upholds and protects the abuse against women. Sometimes in my saddest moments I reflect and think that I could have changed what happened to me. But I cannot blame myself. And society should not blame a woman (or survivor of assault) for something her perpetrator has done.

Zen-Like

Sundays, are usually an emotional overload kind of day, its like dropping off a Uhaul of everyone's problems on my door step. Sundays are the only day that I have to myself. I tend to think about everything that consumes me throughout the week but that I tend to avoid by immersing myself into my full-time job. Instead of quieting the voice inside me filled with anxiety and stress..I run away from it. I lock them in a box and then they open on Sundays..when I can't take it anymore. On these days all I want to do is avoid the truck and everything in it.

Yet, today is a different day. I'm not sure if the sunny weather has anything to do with it but I am feeling hopeful. Not overwhelmed. The Uhaul did not park in front of my house today. I woke up and decided to embrace the Buddha that lies within me. To be at peace, to find tranquility admist the storm, and to just be more zen-like.

with love,
Rebel Poeta

note: Taken with Instagram

Loving instagram app

Inspired as I wait for the bus using my camera phone...














With courage,
Rebel Poeta

Loving hipstamatic

Hello friends:
It's been quite a while. I am out of my depression. Or at least I think so. The stress and worry of my dear loved one had me in a rut. Writers-block, artist-block, you name it I had it...Luckily today is a new day.

As I continue on my journey to become a photographer, I discovered a cool app: hipstamatic.









With courage,
Rebel Poeta

In times of crisis....

These last two weeks have been very difficult. Someone really close to me is in trouble. Unfortunately, there is not much I can physically do to help this person. So what I have been doing is something that I found to be important. Pray. Stay Positive. Keep the faith.


I am learning that in times of crisis, you learn not only who your real friends and family are but that problems or situations you have long denied only get magnified in moments of despair. You are given this opportunity to confront the dilemma head on. One must decide do I address this issue or wait for another day (read: avoid it)? I say confront the issue. Even if you are dealing with a crisis. Both can be done. In moments like this, I reflect upon my life and count my blessings. I also pray more and spend time with friends who love me and will be there for me. The old me would lock herself in her mental cave and withdraw from the world. Not anymore. Over time I have learned that if I want to practice a loving ethic I must embrace the community that will support me.

In times of crisis, take the opportunity to confront the predicament with the support of your family and friends. One is never alone!

with courage, vulnerability, and love,
RP

artist credit: drawing by my 8 year old "niece."

making the invisible visible...as i journey to the city

feeling homesick...

i heart my niece Bri!

the light shines in her presence. her smile changes the room.
we are clapping our hands in unison. before we know it she is taking me on a journey.
i become her play date. changing her doll's wardrobe. preparing for our tea party. "swipey no swiping, swipey no swiping!" nickelodeon plays in the background. spongebob begins. she's mesmerized by the travels under the sea. she stops watching. on to the next activity. her energy is as quick as a race horse. it's time to make snow! she says. i adore her imagination. and i follow suit. let's go make some snow! i say.

Graffiti Room

here is a piece of me. my graffiti room. it's where the (artistic, wink wink) magic happens. my home office. enjoy.

(the graffiti was created by a variety of talented artists).

Simple Joy

My niece, Bri, loves oatmeal..she can eat it all times of the day. Now what she loves more than oatmeal. Besides Spongebob and Dora the explorer is finishing her meal, wiping the plate clean and running to her beba, tias, and daddy. "Look, look, I finished" she says. And we begin to scream and clap. We started this when she was just a few months old. Now she is 4 1/2 years old and she craves for this recognition. I love it!! Something so simple as that...Don't you know it's the simple things that bring us joy.

Take some time to appreciate the simple things in life. Or consider simplifying your life. Check out one of my favorite blogs that is all about finding peace through living life simply: Zen Habits. One way I live simply is by eliminating clutter often. For example, I get rid of at least one large trash bag filled with clothes, bags, jewelry and accessories 2-3 times a year. It really brings me joy knowing that I have less and less stuff to worry about filling up my closet. It also feels good knowing that I keep the clothes and things that I really cherish.

Today, I am working to develop a daily meditation practice by waking up early and being productive by focusing on my needs. NOT waking up early to complete work tasks but to meditate, practice yoga, and even exercise. Living simply is about putting yourself first and doing away with the mindless desire to fall into the capitalist traps of consumption.

We can learn so much from one another. I believe we always learn more from our young people. What have you learned from the little ones in your life lately? What will you do to simplify your life? I'd love to hear all about it. :-)



with courage & love,
b

new year, new you

start
almost there
you have reached
the finish line to
new beginnings
a fresh start
unfamiliar terrain
bienvenidos
welcome
to a new life
a path
that you've never been
open the door
go 'head
knock
all you have to do
is enter the door
to a new you.

we are 12 days in to the new year. it finally feels like 2011 to me, today! it took me some time to warm up. because i started my new intentions mid-december 2010. i did not set resolutions. i am allergic to those. but i set intentions and goals for myself. in a few simple words: balance, courage, and peace.

balance: i returned to a meditation practice and begun attending buddhist meetings with a friend. chanting has brought me to life! i've also been going to the gym 3xs a week since November. which has brought me a discipline and structure that i knew i needed but was hesistant to do. the unknown held me back. now it has finally helped me deal with my depression and anxiety in a new and liberating way!

courage: i promised myself i will try NEW things. even if it scares me. i read my poem aloud in a crowd of strangers and i'm taking a drawing class in an arts studio (keeping my fingers crossed that i finish the class). which also means i have to get my driver's license this year and study and take my GRE exam. i don't wanna be 50 years old riding the bus! :-D

peace: living and being peace amidst the chaos or joy in my life. for instance, finding peace in the simple things, creating healthy boundaries, committing to a daily meditation practice. also, with balance and courage i believe i can achieve ultimate peace.

the image above is my front door. the front door represents a new beginning for me. when i opened the door it felt like the very first time. a new year, a new me!

i've been living in our new home (with my partner of 6 yrs) for 14 months. but today my door looked very different. this is why i love photography. it is the lens i wear to look at the world the way i want to see it! the way i believe it to be! Try it! Use your cell phone camera or a point-n-shoot. Or draw the image of a door!

have you opened your doors to new beginnings yet? if so, share your experience. what are your intentions? if you haven't, when will you? The time is now to be the YOU you dreamed of.

always with courage,
Rebel Poeta

beautiful blur

snow days
wintery sunshine
white lights
brown shades
pet lovers
frantic holiday shoppers
street lamps
rittenhouse park


sometimes life is blurry. things are not always (almost never) black and white. it's not even gray. so foggy that you are not able to see things clearly. i like living in the blurry sometimes. there is so much beauty in the (unclear) unknown.


with courage,
Rebel Poeta

a peace of me

in search of balance i find something i was not expecting. i found peace. for the last three months i have had writer's block. fear has clouded my thoughts and actions. and i found myself running away from the things i love. until one day after my at-home yoga practice. meditation and yoga gave me a clarity i have not allowed myself to see in quite a while. "i can achieve peace. in the presence of chaos, drama, stress, frustration, and anxiety. peace is possible."

i find peace in the midst of chaos. i find peace in a sea of negativity at my work place. i find peace in my new found love for photography. i find peace in my buddhist practice. i find peace in prayer. i find peace walking my dogs. i find peace working out at the gym. i find peace in yoga. i find peace smiling. i find peace drinking tea. i find peace when i make others laugh. i find peace reading. i find peace writing. i find peace when i am frightened. i find peace when i am sad. peace is ubiquitous. i find peace when i think of all the love i have in this world to give and receive. i am peace.

with courage,
Rebel Poeta

my 2011: is all about BALANCE

give thanks.
compassion. giving it to friends, loved ones, coworkers, and strangers.
finding peace amidst the chaos/crisis.
appreciating the simple things in life.
drinking my tea slowly.
practicing mindfulness in every thing I DO.
being fearless.

friendships are forever.