(it takes tons of courage to write open and honestly. these words below were very hard to write. but i share this with the hopes that my past, present, and hopeful future..help you on this journey to healing.)
Therapy requires one to be open, honest and in many ways vulnerable. It has been a true exercise of courage for me. I learned some interesting things about myself by talking to a perfect stranger: honest, openly, and free of worry/fear/judgment.
By talking honest and openly, I learned (the power of voice..allows you to learn and reflect on your past) and remembered:
I have not yet fully healed from my past that is filled with loads of trauma. Like every other human being in this world, right?! But all jokes aside, being physically and sexually abused can take a toll on you. Especially if you are like me and you taught yourself to repress any feels of pain, hurt or vulnerability. I have lived my entire life separating my "self" from myself. Today, I take baby steps to end that self-inflicted pain.
Growing up, I avoided sports because I was scared to undress around everyone. Now I had to change for PE classes but I wore layers of clothes under my clothes..I just did not want to look at myself EVER.
I am out of wack when I "lose control." I am in a funk. Funky McNasty, to be exact! I want to punch a wall?! I also have tons of anger and want to totally withdraw and avoid the truth of my frustration. I link this with the ways survivors of abuse learned early on to disassociate from their feelings and body. I hear time and time again from fellow sistren who have experienced sexual/physical abuse--the out of body experience they have. We try to separate ourselves from our bodies. I remember trying to separate my 'self' from my body. I used this as a survival strategy I guess. Now, I try not to feel vulnerable or the fear of hurt makes me withdraw altogether. It's fugged up! Because it does not work. I know I have the power. I also am aware that I have more control than I know. I have to give myself more credit. I am truly blessed. It's just a matter of believing it.
"School's, the only thing I'm good at!" I used to believe that. I told myself as a young girl that although my perpetrator took the "best of me" (which is SO not true) I had school as a safe space. I was always a voracious reader and I really enjoyed school (not like I was the A student). I really saw it as a space where I can really be good at something or try. I was able to be a "student," "scholar," "good friend" etc. IT created a safe space for me. I didn't have to even think about my body. I focused on my mind. I became all of these categories..but never human! Total bad faith. Sartre is right!! I used this to evade responsibility. I didn't allow myself to be a total human being (with all my perfect imperfections). (I think (secretly) I like the "boundaries" that academia allowed I guess in some ways I knew what to expect and never would I get hurt. I had no expectations and never had to worry (or almost never) about being vulnerable. IT's totally weird. I'm still working through this because I'm not sure that's all true. Maybe I'm not the total cynic. There's still hope for me!!)
Okay, tears filling the eyes. Tears soaking the laptop. I think it's time, to end this post.
Tears.They are all good and much needed tears. It's time I put the "superwoman" to rest. It's time to put the "shero" cloak down. I have a painful past that I MUST revisit in order to grow/heal/free myself, present possibilities and a hopeful future.
With tears, courage, and love,
RP
