The cycle of abuse reigns true for many human beings on this Earth. We have a tendency to live with our childhood or past traumas like a piece of clothing. As a survivor of sexual and physical abuse, I know that pain too well. The loss of power and control was so paralyzing that I did not want to experience that again. I wanted to be in control of every situation that I participated in as a way to avoid the loss of control I felt when I was abused. However, as I know now (thanks to therapy) that this thirst for control was doing me more harm than good. This obsession with a false image of control made it even harder for me to cope with the abuse because all it did was allow me to neglect the pain caused by my past rather than confront it and deal with it.
It's time we confront our fears. It's time we walk through the fear than away from it.
I'm a fear addict
abusing myself
knowing that fear
is ever so present
it is my comfort
my companion
undesirable nonetheless
but it is present
and i am used to it
but fear is an addiction
i want to detox
maybe i cant get rid of it
in its entirety but i can
work to accept its existence
while battling it and having it
serve a small part in my life
learning to work through the fear
rather than against it
because that does us no good
we only tend to avoid or deny that fear exists
but working through it allows you to face and confront the fears
only to begin to make it a small part of your life.
fear is an addiction
i want to detox
hermana
ReplyDeleteinitially i was going to send this reply via your personal email, because what i felt was deep and personal, but then i figured as a writer myself (and a sistah) i had to openly express my pain (as you so graciously just did) so that others do not feel alone and so that my pain can breathe and be released.
i was (and still am) in tears as i read this piece, as your writing ALWAYS does, this piece came at the 'divine' time. it was exactly what i needed to hear. i had been carrying a 'load' for a few days not (not that i haven't carried the same load for years, but ya know some days that same load is invisible and other days it feels like a ton of bricks and looks like a bright orange neon sign: with one letter that is not working so it makes it even more noticeable lol!). just the attatchment to drama and pain and for once, i, like you, want to put it down and move through it not away from it, but to be honest with you b (and world) i dont know how. all i know how to do is get on my knees, humbly bow my head and ask the creator for guidance. this is all new to me, we 'cycle breakers' 'detox agents' lol have a hefty (but rewarding) task ahead of us. we are breaking chains, airing out laundry, shedding light and we are doing all of this with no framework and at times no support from family or friends (i mean who would want to do so much 'dirty work' anyway?) well i kinda do because i know i dont want my babies nor my babies babies and my cousins and neices to have to deal with a lot of the 'stuff' we've had to deal with in abusive familiies, or even worse: abusive families in denial =/.
but thanks sis, god bless your gift (bc it truly is one) and i shall continue to pray for you as you heal and as your gather up the courage to take us along with you on this beautiful, cold, sometimes lonely but BEAUTIFUL journey of self discovery/affirmation AND HEALING.
from my light to yours...
ache
sistah r
Thanks for reading and for being courageous to share your thoughts!! Thank you for your courage to express your feelings openly. A good friend (LKP) reminded me that we must return to Audre "Uses of the Erotic." And we taking steps to break the cycle, to serve as agents of change, "detox agents" ( I need copyrights on that one!lol), healers are truly steps in the direction of seeing and embracing the erotic as powerful, a resource, and an agent of transformation. Tapping into the erotic is a space that we are taught not to even consider. And I think we as the avengers of healing (ha ha) by writing, speaking, unpacking our feelings, airing out the laundry, and as cycle breakers are doing just that. I know that as a survivor of abuse (physical, sexually, and in some ways emotional) I have to continue to unpack those things that try to hold me back from healing. And that cannot happen until we see the erotic as a powerful resource for us, women of color.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your courage, hermana!!
LOVE YOU!!