Today I felt like I was going to explode. I repressed my feelings about a coworker who was way out of line with her negative feelings she has against me (that is a long story but I will spare all of us the details). I am disappointed that I have been letting this get to me for the last twenty-four hours. But it has and I need to speak on it. I am also struggling because I struggle with the "right" words to stand up for myself while still being "professional." (I think it continues to be my fear to be fully vulnerable around folks in positions of power. And those who benefit from power and privilege. You know the self-proclaimed woman identified or feminine patriarchs). I'm thinking to myself the "heck with that." I want to tell it like it is. Go Bronx on my coworker!! Whatever that means. But is that really the way to go?
There is this tendency that to be professional you must be polite. To be polite you must be a good liar. It is like bell hooks has argued in All About Love. We are raised in American culture to be "polite" is acceptable, appropriate and the norm in how we navigate and develop "healthy" relationships. As early as a toddler, we are taught to be polite. I think we can all recall one moment in our lives when we heard "don't say that that's not nice!" So does this mean I am not nice if I am being honest? We confuse the difference between the truth and a lie. Now I am not saying that we should all stop being polite. But I think that we must not confuse polite behavior as an excuse for lying. Being polite is about showing respect and being considerate of another person's feelings. However, that does not mean that we should not be truthful. And that you can only choose to act polite or truthful. As if there is only one choice. In this society, we are so obsessed with dichotomies. Black/White.Yes/No. We got to move beyond dichotomies. I can be polite and truthful. I can have both or neither. But I do not have to choose one over the other. I do have the power over my thoughts, behavior, and actions.
As for professional demeanor, behavior, and/or etiquette is void of emotion. To be professional we must not show our true selves. We cannot let them "see" us. We must not be vulnerable. I continue to struggle with this notion of professionalism. And the ways this behavior allows white supremacist capitalist patriarchy continue to have power over our lives. I also must admit that I don't want to be vulnerable in those hostile, dehumanizing, and sexist spaces but sometimes I want to step out of character [being professional] call some people out. But I don't. I find comfort in the ways that I express my forms of resistance at work by implementing my own acts of courage and black feminist avenging (as I like to call it). So in some ways I do speak up. I do speak the truth. It may not be the way I sometimes imagine. (With my alter ego--feminist avenger--teaching and educating each person I come across on the ways they can be better human beings practicing anti-racist, heterosexist, classist behavior). I guess actions do speak louder than words. Having the courage to embrace my voice. To listen to the voice inside of you telling you to do what you know is right. I might have not confronted my coworker (in the way I had imagined) but I know that my presence and contributions to the organization. For example, the impact i have had on my high school students and the ways that their parents/families gravitate, respect, and show me love matter more. That regardless of the energy she projects on to me. It is not about ME. It is her insecurities. That is NOT my issue. The courage to embrace my voice. The courage to let that situation go. The courage to continue to love that coworker (from a far, of course) despite the lack of self-love she has for herself. That is what matters most.
Sometimes I can't let it out.
Sometimes the feelings are too much to handle.
Sometimes I contain them until they burst.
Like my appendix did when I was six.
The pain hurt and hurt for days on end.
I should have learned my lesson before.
When we repress our feelings
When we do not speak up
It will build
and build
and build
until it cannot hold on anymore
and it will just burst like a bubble, like my appendix
spreading those contained infections, contained emotions
everywhere and on anything that makes me ME
And the only one that it really hurts is my SELF, yourself, all of US...
With Courage,
Rebel P
You know that reminds me SOO much of Audre Lorde's chapter in Sister Outsider, The Erotic as Power. She says, "The erotic is a resource within each of us that lies in a deeply female and spiritual plane, firmly rooted in the power of our unexpressed or unrecognized feeling. To refuse to be conscious of what we are feeling at any time, however comfortable that might seem, is to deny a large part of the experience, and to allow ourselves to be reduced..."
ReplyDeleteThis passage has helped me, on countless occasions, realize that in stifling my feelings (which I still do all of the time), not only am I doing a genuine disservice to myself, but also to my community, and those involved. It dawns on me that the erotic, the powerful, the "personification of love in all its aspects", can also be found in the most uncomfortable of situations, like yours with your co-worker. It's SOOOO hard to untangle the desire to "go Bronx" on her, or tell it like it really is, because of this word, this "professionalism". But do we HAVE to make the sacrifice? I think Audre might say NO.
Thanks for sharing RP!
Hey LKP!
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading and sharing! I agree with Audre wholeheartedly. The "Erotic as Power" is one of my all time favorite essays!! And I believe as women of color we do not tap into the erotic as a resource but I also think that my feelings towards this coworker are really (possibly) feelings I might have towards myself (first). I think we have to be able to unpack our own feelings before we can "go bronx."
To recognize one's feelings that we are usually taught to deny because it is "unprofessional" or not largely acceptable or seen as the norm. And to take that step to acknowledge those feelings openly. Which I did not mention as far as my interactions with this coworker. (She is sad that I am leaving the job. And that is why she is "acting out" if you will. But I continue to "do me." I know that before I can tell her my feelings I must unpack what they are). I strongly believe that I am tapping into the erotic (slowly). I am acknowledging what I usually hold (hidden, concealed, locked in the basement feelings) unrecognized or unexpressed. I believe that I don't do that enough. I think embracing my voice is a first step in recognizing and valuing the erotic that lies strong, vivid, and visible in me. This feeling that we are taught to deny as women of color I am slowly coming to remove. It is like lifting the veil, coming out of its shell. This I see as necessary for me to live a healthy, courageous, loving, joyous life!!
Again, thank you for bringing Audre into the dialogue. This post is inspired by Audre and I appreciate you calling it by its name. The Erotic is a powerful space for us. And we must continue to tap into it.
With courage,
RP
Far too often, we have to navigate ourselves in "professional" spaces and act "professionally", even when co-workers or colleagues can be over-the-top, selfish or whatever. Most of the time, their attitudes and tendencies have "nothing" to do with us, however, the energy that they project have "everything" to do with us. It is in those moments of chaos and frustration that we have to make some choices. For example, (S)He said something that just irked, disrespected, and/or offended me because THEY are having a bad day, NOW how am I going to respond? To maintain our sanity, we "keep the peace", avoid the confrontation, or "take it in stride", all in the name of "professionalism". I would like to argue, that there is fine line between being "professional" and down right rude and unprofessional. Some people can care-less about professionalism! There is no such thing as decorum, cooth or class because they are selfish, self-serving and individualistic. They only care about their outcomes, their interests and their situations. Not only is this behavior caustic, unless someone DOES let them know how their interactions impacts those that they work with, they will continue to spread that cantankerous malaise.
ReplyDeleteRebel P, you offered much insight into how you felt about and dealt with this situation. Sometimes, it does take a strong, courageous and reflective person, to deal with that sort of issue the way you did. Thanks for sharing!!!