lost

i had no desire to write in my blog. its been more than a month since i looked at my journals. it is more than writer's block. i did not have the words to say. i am depressed. i am exhausted. i am over-committed. i felt shame admitting to you that i was depressed. there seemed to be nothing valiant about saying that i was falling, falling, failing, failing you...and me.. but i am tired of containing these emotions. the bottle is filled to the brim. there's nothing courageous about holding my emotions. i was lost. lost in my thoughts. lost in PTSD. lost in my fears. fears of rejection. fears of being stuck in this rut. i find that i am my worst enemy. i push myself 'til i can't no more. (sniffles, sneeze, coughing). 'til i am sick to my stomach. but so many folks rely on me. they expect 'perfection.' they say: "she gets the job done." "i can always count on you." but who can i count on? who will be there for me?


i wish the voice inside of me was stronger than my fears. i wish that i could just run away. i'd chill on the beaches of cancun. go back to that place where i was soaking up the sun with my partner in july. just listening to the waves. i want to get away! in search of clarity. tired of being lost.