keeping it real: i am ANGRY

"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live."

- Goethe

dedicated to my sister-friend migue

i woke up this morning. 10 minutes of meditations, 30 minutes of yoga later. i experienced an 'aha' moment. then tears. i am angry. not at my partner, family, or friends. but at myself. my anger is linked to how i see, treat, and care for myself. it ain't right how hard i am on my 'self.' i asked myself (in the mirror) for forgiveness. then i cried like a baby. too ashamed to look in the mirror. anger is a sign of self-doubt and lack of faith in my self and in a higher power. i know that now. and i vowed to keep it real. i'm ready to heal!



on this quest to uncover the roots of my anger, i have learned that i have been nurturing my anger while neglecting the other seeds of love, compassion, and confidence. i discovered that there is a connection between my anger and (lack) self-confidence. i'm not sure if the two are so dichotomous (where you must have one over the other. anger is a part of life. but anger over time is what does us harm). i dont think that is the case. but what i do know is that anger (alone) is not healthy and must be dealt with. this anger has morphed into resentment, negativity, frustration, hate (sometimes), and even a bad attitude (taking my frustration out on my loved ones). i been working to embrace my anger in order to get to the truth. but shit how the truth hurts!! it kinda shames me to admit that i really feel or think bad of myself. i mean shit, low-self-esteem?! i should have gotten over this during my post-teen years! ha! yet, this is my reality today. and i can't sleep in the belly of denial. its time to rise above.

rising above means getting through the difficult, embracing what makes me uncomfortable and getting to the why of my anger. i also have realized that i cant do it alone. being open and honest about anger is the only way to heal. this morning i told my partner: "i am angry. i just want you to know that. thanks for your patience." i also wanted to tell him that i needed him. but the words did not come out. the presence of anger still lingered. but i'm cool with that right now. at least i knew what it was.

anger makes you believe the most foolish things. and its so blinded by fear. as we know, anger is a form of fear. one of the ways i hold on to my fears is to be angry about the fact that i still am not where i would like to be in my career. instead it manifests into "i can't stand my coworker, he/she is incompetent!" but what does that have to do with me? is that my issue? no! of course this person as my colleague might impact the work environment which in turn will (probably) affect the organization. but it has NOTHING to do with me. that is my coworker's business (read: the four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz). its not about me. but i use anger to project my frustrations out on someeone else. using that (my coworker's poor work skills) as the cause even though it is secondary.. the primary cause of my anger lies within ME. that coworker is not the reason for my anger. your partner is not the cause of your anger, either. woosah! i'm just keeping it real! and real hurts.. anger hurts. fear hurts. shit, healing hurts. However, we know that we must heal our wounds to deal with the pain and do away with the anger inside. we must put an end to feeding our fears and instead focus on love.

i know that if i work on building, watering (seeds of love) and caring for me i can learn to possibly do away with my anger. if i continue to nourish, anger will become a small part of me, and love will blossom....as it should.

con mucho valor,
RPoeta