moving mountains..

i woke up this morning and went right on the mat. my yoga practice is essential just like brushing my teeth. so i did just that. i did not feel like power yoga so i turned on fit tv and followed shiva rea's vinyasa flow: water and shanti practices. the shanti practices were all downward facing dogs, warrior poses, back bends and hip openers. as yogis and yoginis know, hip openers help open and release emotions. for me they always help release the tension i have in my root chakra. my body desperately needed these hip openers. my soul was desperate to release the tension, anxiety, fears i have been carrying the past five days. in releasing all these emotions and energy something happened.. i cried. i went upstairs and talked to my partner about the things i have been holding in. all of my fears about my past, present AND future. (the easiest way for me to be overwhelmed, stressed, and confused is to obsess over my baggage! don't we all?) he simply listened. gave me useful advice but he knew i was not listening. i went to the bathroom to get in the shower.. and i heard him call my name. something told me to walk back into our office. and that is when he told me "I want to read something to you. Just sit and listen." He began to read Matthew 17:14-20. I began to cry. I am not a religious person. I've only read the bible as an obligation (born and raised catholic). But today. I was ready to listen to those words "So Jesus said to them, “Because of your unbelief;[b] for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you." Beautiful words!! With faith the size of a mustard seed (truly a small, small seed) you can move mountains!

that is what i know i can do..move mountains. all i need is faith and belief in the greater (supreme) being. With God I am not alone. (I am still not a religious person. I prefer to focus on my spiritual (soul) foundation. I enjoy reading the bible, buddhism and I hope to read the Q'uran soon). With God you are NEVER alone.

sending you love and much courage,
RPoeta

Bicycles ( Thanks to Nikki Giovanni)

In my 28 years of living I never owned a bike in my life. Actually my three siblings and I never had a bike we could call our own. Mami couldn't afford it. Yet that didn't stop us from riding one. Thanks to the community of friends who let us borrow theirs surrounding the few blocks that made up Hunts Point we learned. Early on, I was desperate to learn to ride a bike. I watched all my friends get up and go their merry way up and down the street blocks. I envied their carefree attitudes. "I wanted what they had...the freedom to ride." So I got the nerve to ask my friend to give me one ride. I wanted it real bad. I couldnt help myself. I was itching to ride. And when I did. it felt good!! That was the best ride of my life! lol Okay, maybe not the best but I always remember that day like it was an adventure...a climb up Mt. Everest. I was so proud of myself.

I learned to trust my body by balancing on a friend's two wheels. I wanted that part of my childhood back. That moment in time as an eleven year old (before the sexual abuse and internalized self-loathing) where I did not second guess myself or doubt my greatness.

I listened to the inner-chica in me and did just that. Eight weeks ago I went into Target like a kid in FAO Schwartz (or Toys R Us). Trying on bikes like a diva tries on shoes. And found the bike that was just right. I got on that bike like I been riding for years! It felt so good to ride...free. I loved myself enough to believe in myself and seek balance in order to ride freely down the Philly streets!! I learned that bicycles, like love, requires trust and balance (Nikki Giovanni).



with courage,
rebel poet

rest in peace abuelita.

death is a part of life. my paternal grandmother died three weeks ago. i was devastated. we were not expecting it. one minute she was healthy, dancing, singing and cooking (as she told my mother via phone) and then she was in the hospital fighting to breathe in the breath of life but her lungs and heart failed on her. i felt robbed. i just got my grandmother back (i reconnected with her in 2008). and now she is gone! i was mad. only for a minute. then i was sad. i later remembered that God knows best. her spirit is and will always be with me.

mi abuela sofia te quiero mucho.

Becoming The Constant Gardener

"If you allow compassion to spring from your heart, the fire of anger will die right away."

I'm focused on planting the seeds of compassion in every aspect of my life. I work to practice compassionate listening, compassionate understanding, compassionate patience and just being an all around loving person. I want to move away from judging a person based on how they make me react to things they might do. It's definitely a challenge but when you are mindful and allow yourself to listen, see, and reflect. You begin to see that they are not the central causes of those reactions. Shit is hard to be able to do all the time. But it is ME that is the cause not anyone else. Sometimes I don't practice mindfulness (I.e. Compassion) and I slip. I say something mean. I flip out! I use sarcasm to deflect from the situation or get angry. Here, I fail to commit to my duties as the gardener. How can I plant and nurture seeds if I don't commit to a practice? How can I become a better gardener to myself and others around me?

I want to do away with anger and reduce the stress and anxiety that I have. I know it's not easy but I have been doing much better. I also have learned that I have to be disciplined about my practice of mindful meditation. It is my antidote to doing away with anger and anxiety. Everytime I'm close to slipping I think of my garden. For everyday I slip I'm failing to water (nurture) the seeds of compassion. I never thought I could be a gardener but today I know I can. We all could. The seeds of anger and anxiety should not be so closely tended to. Why continue to nurture the weeds in my garden? They must be clipped! Are you ready to get rid of the bad seeds (that do not blossom but hinder your growth) in your life? I am!
What will you do to plant the seeds of healing in your life? Are you ready to blossom?

Remember healing is like gardening.


With courage,
RP

Reunited...and it feels SO good!!!

It was Sunday. The last Sunday in March to be exact. My father called me to tell me that we had a half sister. I was shocked but I was not angry. A little sister?! :-) yay!! How exciting?! That was when I realized that I had forgiven my father and in turn have forgiven myself. He and I have come a long way! We have been talking for the last four months on a consistent basis. To be honest it feels really good to have a friendship with him. He's gotten into sending my siblings and I text messages which I think is super cute. He's not the father I dreamed I wanted when I was a kid. He was never around. Left my mother and her four kids to take care of ourselves. He was emotionally and physically absent. I resented and believed I hated him for years. I used to pray and pray for him to be a father to us. Although he's not the father I hoped for he IS the father our Creator has blessed me (and my siblings) with. I can and have accepted that. It has allowed me to have a relationship with him that I never imagined. And I'm beginning to see myself in him. Something I was not able to do before. It makes me happy to have him in my life. There are still some things (actually a great deal of ish) we are working through. But I'm really happy and eager to begin the path of love with him.

You might be wondering about this new sister. I spent the weekend with family back home in NYC. My siblings and I reunited with our little sis. She's a 17 year old high school senior going to John Jay college in the fall. She's smart, funny, witty and an avid reader. Kind of reminds me of someone I know (wink, wink). I loved her the moment I met her. She fit right in. And the look on my father's face was priceless!! It was so worth it having him spend time with most of his kids. (We have an estranged sibling who's not ready to meet us yet. We are hopeful he will come around but if he doesn't that is okay too). Forgiveness allowed me the space to enjoy the fruits of my amazingly, funny, loving, and crazy family. I would not have it any other way....

With love and courage,
Rebel P

Self-love

"Loving yourself is a decision to live happily ever after one day, one moment and one choice at a time." -Unknown


Con valor,
RPoeta

keeping it real: i am ANGRY

"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live."

- Goethe

dedicated to my sister-friend migue

i woke up this morning. 10 minutes of meditations, 30 minutes of yoga later. i experienced an 'aha' moment. then tears. i am angry. not at my partner, family, or friends. but at myself. my anger is linked to how i see, treat, and care for myself. it ain't right how hard i am on my 'self.' i asked myself (in the mirror) for forgiveness. then i cried like a baby. too ashamed to look in the mirror. anger is a sign of self-doubt and lack of faith in my self and in a higher power. i know that now. and i vowed to keep it real. i'm ready to heal!



on this quest to uncover the roots of my anger, i have learned that i have been nurturing my anger while neglecting the other seeds of love, compassion, and confidence. i discovered that there is a connection between my anger and (lack) self-confidence. i'm not sure if the two are so dichotomous (where you must have one over the other. anger is a part of life. but anger over time is what does us harm). i dont think that is the case. but what i do know is that anger (alone) is not healthy and must be dealt with. this anger has morphed into resentment, negativity, frustration, hate (sometimes), and even a bad attitude (taking my frustration out on my loved ones). i been working to embrace my anger in order to get to the truth. but shit how the truth hurts!! it kinda shames me to admit that i really feel or think bad of myself. i mean shit, low-self-esteem?! i should have gotten over this during my post-teen years! ha! yet, this is my reality today. and i can't sleep in the belly of denial. its time to rise above.

rising above means getting through the difficult, embracing what makes me uncomfortable and getting to the why of my anger. i also have realized that i cant do it alone. being open and honest about anger is the only way to heal. this morning i told my partner: "i am angry. i just want you to know that. thanks for your patience." i also wanted to tell him that i needed him. but the words did not come out. the presence of anger still lingered. but i'm cool with that right now. at least i knew what it was.

anger makes you believe the most foolish things. and its so blinded by fear. as we know, anger is a form of fear. one of the ways i hold on to my fears is to be angry about the fact that i still am not where i would like to be in my career. instead it manifests into "i can't stand my coworker, he/she is incompetent!" but what does that have to do with me? is that my issue? no! of course this person as my colleague might impact the work environment which in turn will (probably) affect the organization. but it has NOTHING to do with me. that is my coworker's business (read: the four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz). its not about me. but i use anger to project my frustrations out on someeone else. using that (my coworker's poor work skills) as the cause even though it is secondary.. the primary cause of my anger lies within ME. that coworker is not the reason for my anger. your partner is not the cause of your anger, either. woosah! i'm just keeping it real! and real hurts.. anger hurts. fear hurts. shit, healing hurts. However, we know that we must heal our wounds to deal with the pain and do away with the anger inside. we must put an end to feeding our fears and instead focus on love.

i know that if i work on building, watering (seeds of love) and caring for me i can learn to possibly do away with my anger. if i continue to nourish, anger will become a small part of me, and love will blossom....as it should.

con mucho valor,
RPoeta