Negrita Chronicles: Embracing YOUR Voice

Today I felt like I was going to explode. I repressed my feelings about a coworker who was way out of line with her negative feelings she has against me (that is a long story but I will spare all of us the details). I am disappointed that I have been letting this get to me for the last twenty-four hours. But it has and I need to speak on it. I am also struggling because I struggle with the "right" words to stand up for myself while still being "professional."  (I think it continues to be my fear to be fully vulnerable around folks in positions of power.  And those who benefit from power and privilege. You know the self-proclaimed woman identified or feminine patriarchs). I'm thinking to myself the "heck with that." I want to tell it like it is. Go Bronx on my coworker!! Whatever that means. But is that really the way to go? 

There is this tendency that to be professional you must be polite. To be polite you must be a good liar. It is like bell hooks has argued in All About Love. We are raised in American culture to be "polite"  is acceptable, appropriate and the norm in how we navigate and develop "healthy" relationships. As early as a toddler, we are taught to be polite. I think we can all recall one moment in our lives when we heard "don't say that that's not nice!" So does this mean I am not nice if I am being honest? We confuse the difference between the truth and a lie. Now I am not saying that we should all stop being polite. But I think that we must not confuse polite behavior as an excuse for lying. Being polite is about showing respect and being considerate of another person's feelings. However, that does not mean that we should not be truthful.  And that you can only choose to act polite or truthful. As if there is only one choice. In this society, we are so obsessed with dichotomies. Black/White.Yes/No. We got to move beyond dichotomies. I can be polite and truthful. I can have both or neither. But I do not have to choose one over the other. I do have the power over my thoughts, behavior, and actions. 

As for professional demeanor, behavior, and/or etiquette is void of emotion. To be professional we must not show our true selves. We cannot let them "see" us. We must not be vulnerable. I continue to struggle with this notion of professionalism. And the ways this behavior allows white supremacist capitalist patriarchy continue to have power over our lives. I also must admit that I don't want to be vulnerable in those hostile, dehumanizing, and sexist spaces but sometimes I want to step out of character [being professional] call some people out. But I don't. I find comfort in the ways that I express my forms of resistance at work by implementing my own acts of courage and black feminist avenging (as I like to call it). So in some ways I do speak up. I do speak the truth. It may not be the way I sometimes imagine. (With my alter ego--feminist avenger--teaching and educating each person I come across on the ways they can be better human beings practicing anti-racist, heterosexist, classist behavior). I guess actions do speak louder than words. Having the courage to embrace my voice. To listen to the voice inside of you telling you to do what you know is right. I might have not confronted my coworker (in the way I had imagined) but I know that my presence and contributions to the organization. For example, the impact i have had on my high school students and the ways that their parents/families gravitate, respect, and show me love matter more. That regardless of the energy she projects on to me. It is not about ME. It is her insecurities. That is NOT my issue. The courage to embrace my voice. The courage to let that situation go. The courage to continue to love that coworker (from a far, of course) despite the lack of self-love she has for herself. That is what matters most. 

Sometimes I can't let it out. 

Sometimes the feelings are too much to handle.

Sometimes I contain them until they burst. 

Like  my appendix did when I was six.

The pain hurt and hurt for days on end.

I should have learned my lesson before.

When we repress our feelings

When we do not speak up

It will build

and build

and build

until it cannot hold on anymore

and it will just burst like a bubble, like my appendix

spreading those contained infections, contained emotions

everywhere and on anything that makes me ME

And the only one that it really hurts is my SELF, yourself, all of US...

With Courage,
Rebel P

Survivor's Narrative: Walking Through Fear

The cycle of abuse reigns true for many human beings on this Earth. We have a tendency to live with our childhood or past traumas like a piece of clothing. As a survivor of sexual and physical abuse, I know that pain too well. The loss of power and control was so paralyzing that I did not want to experience that again. I wanted to be in control of every situation that I participated in as a way to avoid the loss of control I felt when I was abused. However, as I know now (thanks to therapy) that this thirst for control was doing me more harm than good. This obsession with a false image of control made it even harder for me to cope with the abuse because all it did was allow me to neglect the pain caused by my past rather than confront it and deal with it.

It's time we confront our fears. It's time we walk through the fear than away from it.

I'm a fear addict

abusing myself

knowing that fear

is ever so present

it is my comfort

my companion

undesirable nonetheless

but it is present

and i am used to it

but fear is an addiction

i want to detox

maybe i cant get rid of it

in its entirety but i can

work to accept its existence

while battling it and having it

serve a small part in my life

learning to work through the fear

rather than against it

because that does us no good

we only tend to avoid or deny that fear exists

but working through it allows you to face and confront the fears

only to begin to make it a small part of your life.

fear is an addiction

i want to detox

Poetry In Motion: Haiku #1

Haiku#1 (my version)

 

I look forward to 

a revolution that is 

inspired by blacks 

with courage,

RPoet

The Courage to Forgive...

I was born on September 15, 1981 at 11:54 a.m. in a hospital called Union in the Bronx that no longer exists. (I think its rather ironic that the very thing I continue to seek in my daily life--Union--is also the hospital I was born in.) My young parents were only living in the United States for one year before they had me. I was their "beautiful" surprise my mom said.  I usually joke around telling her that this "surprise" is really an unplanned pregnancy but she continues to say I was her blessing..whatever! HA HA!

I reflect on this day and think about all the other birthdays I have had. I remind myself to be grateful for the circle of friends and family that continue to remain in my life. I also remind myself to continue to forgive. Virgos, like me, can be so hard on ourselves. I have a tendency to obsess on the what if i stayed in graduate school, what if i passed my road test, what if, what if?! Those what ifs only hold me back. They lead me to live in regret. And this only holds me back. How can I move forward holding on to regret or guilt more importantly holding on to fear? I am learning to forgive myself so that I can move forward. I am learning to forgive so I can simply love...me.

I shared my feelings on fear on facebook. I usually try to avoid facebook but one day I wrote:"I want to move forward but the fear of failure or maybe it is success just keeps holding me back.."
My dear friend, Cecil, responded with loving and supportive words all coming back to the need to face one's fear and do it with courage. He also shared with me an excerpt on this book known as "The Secret Language of Birthdays." It's an amazing book on personalities, horoscopes, advice and more that is based on birth dates."Here is an excerpt related to your recent post on fear:

"September 15 people may appear to be shy and retiring people, right into their adolescence and even up to age thirty or so but after that period is over, watch out! They often have hidden ambitions which are ultimately revealed. Time is usually on the side of those born on this day, for they can wait for years, patiently honing their talents, gathering information or developing their ideas in order to one day make their big move."

Also, the book indicates that your Meditation should be:

"Have the Courage to Want the Very Best for Yourself"

I thought this message (and the book) were telling.  I need to let go of this fear of failure. I also must forgive myself for not following "the plan." I know that my plan wasn't the plan our Creator had for me. I must embrace where I am at in my life right now. I must let go of the past and move forward.   As I think about my past, I look forward with my head held high knowing that I am destined for greatness. And maybe I don't have what I want right now but it will require me to be patient, to work on developing my skills, and to build the courage now for when this day comes. I am truly grateful to new and old friends and family who have been instrumental in shaping the person I have become. Self-love does not happen in isolation..love can only take place in community. Thank you for your love!
Now I know that the first step on the path of self-love (fearlessness, vulnerability, joy, etc.)  is having the courage to forgive myself.

Thank you for reading!!

with courage,
RPoet

Tribute Poem: "I Notice"

Greetings Sisters & Brothers:

I pray all is well with you and that you are in the best of spirits. As I count down my earth day (only 3 days away) I am reflecting with much excitement this busy but special crazy but blessed year I have had. Yet, I can't quite put my words down just yet. For this reason, I wanted to share a special poem written by a special person: Binopoet. He is an amazing writer and friend who started his very own blog a few weeks before me titled "Basic Ruminations".  He was definitely one of my inspirations for starting this blog (and so many other great blog-writers). Please check out the poem "I Notice." Does it remind you of anyone you know?




Always with courage,
Rebel P.

P.s. Check out the "On the path to courage" section of this blog and click on Basic Ruminations.

Poetry in Motion: Ode to Autumn

As we approach the autumnal equinox, we must celebrate the end of summer and welcome a new phase. Change is inevitable. The seasons teach me never to take for granted the consistency that is change. The words below came to me one morning on my way to work. Ofcourse, my poetry (or writing for that matter) always seems unfinished. But I wanted to share any way. I almost allowed  the fear of judgment cloud my thoughts making me unable to share my words below. Luckily, I let courage take over my thoughts and the fear (now) seems to hold less and less importance.

I really love autumn..

Enjoy!


Ode to Autumn

The sun is lighting my bedroom sheets and tickling my eyes
As I rise, I rise, with excitement
My room is filled with colors of the rainbow and my mind is tickled by the fantasies of endless joy
I listen to the birds on my window pane singing melodies meant for me
God's creation is united by a love so powerful that even the trees are crying with excitement
as the winds bring the tunes of love
and the trees sway from left to right, up and down, in circles
the leaves begin to change colors before they
say goodbye to the roots that have nurtured them for so long
fall is on its way
summer and I must go our separate ways
as the possibility of change is inevitable..
God's love is morphing
into oranges, yellows, reds
we welcome a new phase in our life..
we welcome.......change.

Learn to Love, Learn to Let Go...

Learning to Love, Learning to Let Go

I must admit I am a cynic when it comes to love. I truly believe in the art of loving but when it comes to the practice and very act of loving that is a different story. The practice of a loving ethic is harder than it sounds. While I understand it in theory it is hard for me to put it into practice. That is until the creator sends me the fortunate blessing of learning the act of love in the presence of other human beings. Learning to love is not an individual task but a collective responsibility. I work for an educational non profit. My position as high school services director simply put means that i provide academic and professional support to high school students. One of my rising 11th graders, Didi, is frequently at our offices, we usually talk about school, her future goals, and most times our views on life. Didi and I began a very intimate conversation that I did not think would lead me to reflect upon my views on love but it did.

As an educator, I strongly believe that it is important to understand students/youth not only as students but as human beings. We, like our students, bring with us our own baggage in the classroom and it is important that teachers understand and attempt to know the history of each of their students as they teach them. While it sounds like an arduous task, it is necessary to build relationships with students and understand how their backgrounds shape how they learn. Didi is one of the students who shares a rather complicated history/narrative. One of 2 sisters in a single parent household, she lost her half-sister  to brain cancer last year. Her father is in and out of her life and is not involved in the life of her nor her older sister. We begin our conversation discussing relationships (and not love), for Didi the two were not synonymous. I was curious to know why she had not mentioned love in our long hour conversation. Interestingly enough, I did not mention love either. She says she only loves a few people. She tries to avoid getting hurt. For Didi, to be vulnerable is to be open to hurt, pain, and failure. She also states that she doesn't want to be in a relationship ever because they are bound to fail. "Relationships always end". Her cynicism about love made me realize how much this 15 year old who has experienced so much trauma in her life is a reflection of ME. Her views and ultimately, her fears to be hurt again made me revisit how we are taught to love in a white supremacist capitalist patriarchal society. In other words, we are not practicing the art and act of loving. We are taught to see love as a form of weakness.

Historically, during slavery, African Americans and those of the African diaspora used repression as a survival strategy in the presence of the slaveowners. "Slavery socialized black people to contain and repress a range of emotions." (bell hooks, 1993) It was only in carefully cultivated spaces of social resistance, that black people could express their repressed feelings. Yes, our traumas on love are situated in white supremacist capitalist structure. The practice of repressing feelings became a practice that became a part of black life long after slavery ended. bell hook contends that over time the ability to conceal and hide feelings came to be viewed by many black people as sign of strong character. Showing one's emotions is a sign of weakness. I bet most of us can recall a moment in our childhood where our parents taught us the importance of repressing feelings. My mom always reminds me how much i was a "cry-baby." As a child, I had no problem showing my concern whether I cried, whined, or just spoke up. She felt that I was too sensitive as a toddler and she wanted to make sure that I knew that as I was growing up. As she constantly reminded me of those days. I learned to repress those feelings as a teenager as I taught myself to cry in solitude and not disclose my feelings to anyone. I still struggle with showing my emotions or even being vulnerable. She taught me the importance of not letting others see your true emotions. My mommy made it clear that showing my emotions would only get me hurt. Of course as a  single mother of four kids on welfare she knew what hurt felt like and she did not want me to have to experience that kind of pain as a result of love. Like Didi, my mom believed that love would only get your heart broken.

Didi adamantly states this " its important not to let people see your true feelings because if they do they will take advantage of you." I, like Didi, learned early on that love is a battlefield that we should not take on in our lives. To do that is to lose control, to be vulnerable is to lose the ability to preserve your image of the "strong Black, Latina, Chicana, super-woman complex."

The pain, weight, and emotional abuse that we women carry. It is unfair and not necessary. Being vulnerable does not make you weak. This is something I continue to remind myself. Vulnerability is a strength that we must value and integrate into our daily lives. I am grateful to the women in my life especially my mother. But I am also aware that my mother still has much to learn about love just like I do. Shoo, we all do!

Learning to love is a life long process. We must move away from romantic/sexist/patriarchal notions of love that say we  are waiting for our knight in shining armor (read: a man), "fall in love," there is "one" true love, and marriage is the ultimate sign of true love, etc. Love is more than just a feeling. It is an action and intention. Love won't come knocking on your door. It is your choice. You choose love and you must be vulnerable, open, fearless, and ready for love. You are not going to reach the ultimate or pinnacle phase of love because one does not exist. Love is not that simple. It is complex but necessary to living a fulfilled life.

It is true that the art of loving is an act that will not only liberate us but allows us to resist racism, sexism, and other forms of oppression that continue to harbor in the prison of our bodies, our minds, and in our society.

Sisters, it is time we learn to let go of this baggage that our trauma has brought us. Its time we learn to love and learn to let go of our past. In order to liberate our minds and our bodies of this prison of repression we must move forward. We must learn to let go and let love.

with courage y mucho amor,
Rebel P.

Negrita Chronicles: resentment

i am disturbed and frequently feel isolated because my existence as a black dominicana is constantly neglected or silenced within formal and informal spaces.

i am troubled by the realities of most latinas like myself who are underrepresented in the U.S. depending on where we live.especially where i live. i feel shame admitting it. but there are times i resent my closest hermanas. "i resent her for the access she has to her culture, her people, and her experiences as a Chicana, Boricua, Dominicana. but i cant be mad at her or her privilege to this form of access. i have the right to be mad but she still is my sister.sometimes i am troubled by her failure to recognize my silence." over time i learned that i must turn this anger into transformative action. this anger, this silence into something that matters. madness only drives you to do 'crazy' things. and i now just need to learn from this experience and move forward. i felt shame feeling resentment. and this shame led me to silence myself for fear of exposing my vulnerability to the ways in which internalized forms of oppression affect communities of color.

this is why i can relate to gloria anzaldua's "las fronteras" ( the borderlands) i am confined by these imaginary lines of demarcation that attempt to deny or neglect my experience. sometimes i dont know what to do. there are moments when i am angry, sad, frustrated, and most times i just want to scream. i am so sick of having to explain myself or feeling the need to explain myself. it is upsetting and so dehumanizing. at times i am more upset at the fact that people of color treat me worse than whites. i never feel quite at home when i am in a space that should be "home." but anzaldua has helped me understand that in some ways i may never be home. that home is what you make it. and not in the physical sense. but home lies within me. i reject those patriarchal notions of home. "home is where your (nuclear/heterosexual) family is?" Shit, home is where love is. and love is more than a feeling. it is an action and intention. love is not a physical place neither is home. i also learned that  being an outsider is not necessarily a bad thing. trying to fit in and be seen is not the goal. i must love me! i must accept me! i must know that i am worthy. while some dominicans will not accept me. and most latinas will reject me and my blackness. all that matters is that i accept me. it's about love. it is the willingness to extend yourself for another person's spiritual growth and vice versa. in this vein, home (love) begins inside of me. 

while there are these lived realities that shape our sociopolitical experiences that i cannot avoid or deny. i must find peace/love/comfort within before i can take action on the structures and institutions that continue to dehumanize us. i must work to let go of my baggage before i can work to overthrow years and years of institutional and ideological baggage.  

with courage,

rebel p.