The Return of Negative Nancy

We all have those days when nothing goes "right." I have been having those kind of days for the last 3 months or so. You would think I learned the first time but when you are warped in the world of fear you become unaware and consumed by it. We forget our power because fear blinds us. The return of Nancy came swift and quick. I didn't even notice it. And when I did I continued to let Nancy guide my feelings and decision making. And the minute something unexpected happened or I knew it was something that I did not have control over Nancy would come out. She (read: me) would be angry, frustrated, sad, and depressed. Until last night, i put a stop to letting her (read:fear) try to keep me down. It is then when I remembered the power of the mind. If I continue to let her take over me and consume me with negativity and fear I will continue to be unhappy. I made a choice today to change the way I "see" things. (thanks Brittany!) Just recently I lost my wallet and everything in it. "fuck! This is NOT happening today. Im so pissed. I have no money to get on the bus to see my family tomorrow." i thought I was helpless. I really had no way to buy a ticket. However, when i changed my view on this situation. I "see" an opportunity for humility, to slow down and learn from this situation. I lost my wallet because I needed to slow down. I have been a worry nut, neglecting myself and my needs and I have been working like a robot. I lost my wallet because I needed to see what I have been doing to myself.
This morning, I made a decision: "I'm going home. God will make a way for me." And that's when it happened. A ride to NYC tomorrow morning. Then my mother sent me $ for my ticket back to Philly. What a blessing! Im actually not happy i lost my wallet but glad that it allowed me to change my lens and/or perspective. I'm grateful to my alter ego and unpleasant friend Nancy. I'm not always happy and the sun doesn't always shine on me. Fear will always be here but i am working on lessening its power in my life. I also know those are lessons (even if they are unpleasant) that become blessings. We all have our days..but it's how we handle those crazy, out of control, wacky moments that matter most. Remember the power lies within you. Find the courage to unpack those fears. Accept that life's lessons are not always packaged in pretty, happy, joyful gifts but they come in unexpected, not so pretty and maybe even shitty packages but they are gifts nonetheless.

With courage,

RPoet

My 12 Commandments..

Just Be Me!
Let it ALL go.
Read and Write daily.
Love freely and openly.
Always be honest with yourself.
Pray, meditate, and reflect.
Do NOT take things personally.
Do NOT hold on to fears.
Laugh daily.
Act the way I want to feel (check out the happiness project)
Embrace Simplicity.
Do it all with COURAGE.



-RPoet

Poetic Bloodlines by Gemineye

The Courage to use Poetry to Teach Ourselves and Others!!

poetry in motion/daydream:sleepless in philly

insomnia is like the annoying relative
you are desperate to get rid of
but you can't because they are kin
i try to sleep
but she keeps waking me
telling me to finish my work
so that i can dream better
my body is heavy like stone
but my eyes are wide and open
as if i just ingested a shot of caffeine
when all i have is the anxiety to complete
the task at hand
i'm up so late even the crickets went to sleep
it's time to put this work to rest
i can't spend another night sleepless...

have the courage to dream
have the courage to live your dream...

with much respect,
RPoet

Complex identities

I was named girl
I became woman
And now I am object.


With courage,
RPoet

Acceptance

Last night's rain storm was a beautiful sight to see. The sounds of nature were truly calming. It had me thinking about acceptance. What does it mean to accept yourself as you are? And I guess it had me thinking about what I continue to avoid or deny and how I must accept where I am at in order to move forward so that I can heal fully.

We all avoid what we try long and hard to deny. What is your "thing" that you neglect to see or face? What is that thing you ignore because you are scared of the outcome? I have some random things that I avoid. As I write them I begin to think that they are not so random but all connected to my fears...

I avoid showing public displays of affection with friends and family. It makes me quite uncomfortable or so I think.

I avoid my true dreams and desires because I am scared of my own success.

I avoid....to ignore the truth of my life. You may be wondering what that truth is..but I am not sure yet.

I avoid my father because I am scared he will hurt me again.

I avoid the truth of my wishes to be a writer. But a part me believes that I am not really a "good" writer (whatever that means). That I don't write as well as I should. Sometimes I wish I could embrace more self-confidence. But I avoid that too.

I always wanted to write. Since I was a little girl but I did not cultivate my desire to write at an early age (with the exception of my journals) because I lacked the confidence. A part of me feels like writing is an essential part of living. The same way that breathing is important to living. So is my writing. Now I know that I must write. I know that my voice is unique but I avoid. I don't listen to the voice inside of me telling me its angry, frustrated, happy or sad. I do accept this reality and I am going to work on no longer turning my back on what I really want.

This list can go on and on. But I simply want to recognize and accept the things that I avoid. I know that we make a choice to avoid what we know we should embrace. To accept this reality is an important step in having the courage to change and love. This is what's it really about. The inevitability of change brings me comfort and also a bit of frustration. We in some ways think we have total control over change but we do not. It is like the tidal wave we either flow with it or against it. But remember the tidal wave will continue to flow..so its best to flow with it.

with courage,
RPoet

A Sweet Escape

I am learning that part of letting go of [the illusion] control is to be honest with yourself and what you are feeling. Be real! I am tired. I am stressed. I am not okay. On Wednesday, I walked to the corner store in search of a sweet escape (in this case it was ice cream). I greeted my fellow neighbor/store clerk. How are you? He said. Stressed and exhausted, I said. He looks at me. He is not shocked but a bit confused. He tells me “God doesn’t give you more than you can bear. You will get through this. You are not alone. You are never alone.” I walk out the store reflecting on this cliché that I hear often. I know it is true. God is always with me. I am never alone. We are never alone. But there are times when I doubt. The Christian guilt I was indoctrinated with becomes to emerge. (How dare you doubt God?) I come back to my senses, letting go of that “guilt.” It is okay to doubt. It is okay to be honest with yourself. But I know that I must never doubt that God is with me. That is something that I will always know is true. Sometimes I hold on to this need to feel like everything has to be planned and it has to go “my way.” And when it doesn't go my way. I break down. I must let that feeling and negative vibrations go. And while I write and obsess (at least it seems like I do) on the need to release “control” I continue to do it. Shoot! I mustn’t be hard on myself though. I’m human. I will have my moments but those will be expected. However, I am grateful to that afternoon of sweet escape. I went looking for a sugar rush that comes on a chocolate cookie crust with a vanilla ice cream filling but I left with so much more.

With Courage,
RPoet