Poetry in Motion: First Crush

I thought about you today
Better yet the deep end in the pit of my stomach did
it poked,yawned,burped,growled,cried,whaled
those noises I couldn’t control
like the anguish you hear when wolves cry out to their loved ones
feelings resurfaced
like the earthworms after a rainstorm
feelings of glee and joy
I was the new puppy on its way to its new family
My love for you never parted.
It just went into hibernation with the bears
It emerged on this Indian summer day in November

They hid in the mines of my soft spot….My heart
In hopes never to return again
But no those suckers couldn’t contain themselves
One smile from you ….My wall came crashing
Like the Berlin Wall did 20 years ago
Without a moment to soon
Those butterflies rushed back into my heart
How foolish of me…to think that I could control matters of the heart

I remember your warm embrace
The smell of your hair
I remember being tucked under your left arm
As I pretended to sleep
I inhaled the beautiful smell of peppermint in your hair
I nuzzled tightly under your skin
So that I can remember
This moment
Why couldn’t we be together?
She had you
I had another
We never gave it a chance

We knew we couldn’t be together
We held on tight
Hoping we could freeze time
I still close my eyes when I hug someone
the smell of peppermint
the breeze of this Indian Summer Day
And imagine them being you
(written November 10, 2009)

lost

i had no desire to write in my blog. its been more than a month since i looked at my journals. it is more than writer's block. i did not have the words to say. i am depressed. i am exhausted. i am over-committed. i felt shame admitting to you that i was depressed. there seemed to be nothing valiant about saying that i was falling, falling, failing, failing you...and me.. but i am tired of containing these emotions. the bottle is filled to the brim. there's nothing courageous about holding my emotions. i was lost. lost in my thoughts. lost in PTSD. lost in my fears. fears of rejection. fears of being stuck in this rut. i find that i am my worst enemy. i push myself 'til i can't no more. (sniffles, sneeze, coughing). 'til i am sick to my stomach. but so many folks rely on me. they expect 'perfection.' they say: "she gets the job done." "i can always count on you." but who can i count on? who will be there for me?


i wish the voice inside of me was stronger than my fears. i wish that i could just run away. i'd chill on the beaches of cancun. go back to that place where i was soaking up the sun with my partner in july. just listening to the waves. i want to get away! in search of clarity. tired of being lost.

Poetry in Motion: love.loss.

i remember jubilee
where you loved me
unconditionally

i remember kisses
under the sycamore tree

i remember you
and me

please.please.

come back to me.

Smashing Patriarchy with Feminist Hulk

Peace Friends:

It has been a long while since I have written. But fear not I will be back soon. In the meantime I wanted to share someone who always keeps me inspired as we continue to trek this white supremacist patriarchal world. Feminist Hulk does what our fellow avengers, sheroes, feminists, warriors do: fight patriarchy and smash the isms each and every day.


with courage,
Rebel Poeta

self-love is a top priority if you want to heal

these posts are dedicated to my sister--lola! let's just say she's saved me more than she knows... although she is my younger sister and I always thought my job was to protect her..the roles have reversed. my sister is a therapist for teens. so our dialogue had to do with the importance of therapy. therapy as an act that truly allows you to be vulnerable (whether you like it or not) but helps you focus on yourself. something that her and I have had quite a bit of trouble doing...

"We must break the cycle of putting others first. And teach our kids (who are inheriting our baggage) that it's okay to put yourself first. It's important for us to keep a balance between our needs and the needs of others.In doing this we promote
self love."


(i have the most amazing conversations with my baby sis. if you ask me our email dialogue can be turned into book chapters. she totally inspires me literally each and every day. here is my response. our discussion: practicing a loving ethic).

since my therapist shared with me that (she was hesitant to diagnose me as that is not her approach, which i deeply respect) I exhibit patterns of someone who suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder also known as PTSD I began my own research and have been so deep in retrospection and self-reflection. Through this research, I learned that she was accurate. I cried because it made sense. I cried because I know NOW that I want to take better care of myself in every sense of the word: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

so its so important that you do the same. we are taught as women of color to put others first. to find pleasure in taking care of everyone else. i get caught up sometimes but then i remind myself that it is okay to please myself. take care of me.

its crazy how it is the minute you put a name to something that you see, understand, and accept that things can be DIFFERENT. You CAN change. I know NOW I can treat PTSD. it does get hard but i can BEAT this.

i also feel shame surrounding my mental health as well as being open about being sexually abused. its b/c i feel like it implicates my family. and unfortunately, it does. but no one is at fault. it happens to so many people. everyday. and i am tired of remaining silent. there is a lot of power in using your voice. speaking truthfully. your truth allows my truth allows their truths allows our truths to be celebrated, recognized, and powerful.

i heart audre lorde.
i heart lola.
i heart all courageous warriors who speak truth to power.

Coming OUT is Courageous

as a self-proclaimed Black Feminista, i thought i had it all figured out. until my baby sis came out to me more than four years ago. her coming out became my coming out. she allowed me to re define what it meant to be a feminista. she also allowed me to see and understand that sexuality is more fluid than we have been taught. her courage to come out to my Latino family...is not only a courageous act but one that she felt was necessary. in order to live fully we must be true to ourselves and those we love. this is not to say we all have to "come out." we have the right to live our lives fully in whatever way we choose.



thank you, baby sis! for inspiring me each and every day.

Fear Factor

"Fear is nothing more than a mental monster you have created, a negative stream of consciousness." -Robin Sharma
(retrieved from Power of Positivity iPhone app)


With courage,
RP