It's been ages (okay more like several weeks) since I've put pen to paper. No poems in sight. No portraits to paint. Fear has been clouding my thoughts, stress has been digging me like a hammer to a nail and my anxiety has been through the roof. I been holding the truth from myself. I thought that not addressing it and fighting it within would be the solution. I told myself "Smile, it will make you happy. Laugh, even when it's not funny. Play nice even if those co-workers irk the shit out of you." exhale. Healing is a process. But denial definitely is a hindrance to this progress. I thought I was doing well 'til the words appeared today on my journal...... seeing these words now makes them feelings that have resurfaced so real.
With courage,
RP
Friday, March 26, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Origins of Transformation
Butterflies were once confined to a past that relegated them to solitude.
sitting in silence.
becoming one with nature.
finding their roots on land.
sliding left and then right. left and then right. on a path
that they knew would be greater than they could ever imagine.
the cocoon knew it was destined for greatness.
land animals would sit around it. wondering what would emerge in this little
unnoticable shell of a cocoon. never knowing that it would soon serve a purpose beyond their imagination.
the cocoon firmly planted into the grounds of the earth.
its roots shaping the transformation that would soon come.
the land of our mother nature is helping the cocoon reach it's path.
slowly. it meditates. slowly. it imagines. slowly it visualizes a place beyond its foundation.
never thinking that time would soon lead to a metamorphosis of sorts
the cocoon would simply hold tight to the foundation that was it's home.
they smelled the grass. made friends with land animals.
but never did they feel like they were serving their purpose in life.
until one day. the sun was shining its brightest.
so bright the baby [it] inside the cocoon noticed the light coming inside its cocoon.
the [it] cocoon looked into the light. the light led it to the crack. the crack became a hole. and then the hole
became bigger and bigger.
the cocoon. transformed. becoming a beautiful butterfy. with blues, purples, yellows, and oranges.
the land animals couldn't believe it.
the it became a butterfly. from a thing to something special.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Yoga as a practice of love
As a recovering cynic, I am learning that we must take pleasure in the simple things in life. As I reflect on the the moments and times where I am at “my best.” And while I wish I could answer that I am at my best all the time. I simply would be lying. I think as humans we have good days and bad days. I believe that those bad days allows for the sweetness of the good days. I am truly at my best when I am practicing vinyasa flow yoga. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. These are two simple techniques that transform my life every time I practice. Why yoga? I am at my best when I practice yoga because it allows me to learn, accept, and embrace my body. On the mat I travel to a place that knows no bounds. As I inhale. I learn to accept the imperfections of my curves. I exhale the voices of popular culture. That say that fat is ugly. Love handles are not lovable. And that perfect bodies do really exist. Yoga allows me the space to truly express myself. Yoga is the expression of love. Yoga is about awareness. About the union of breathe, movement, and love. I learn to love my body in the process of yoga. I embrace it for all of its curves, love handles, and flexibility. I learn to appreciate my body during my practice. It’s all about me. The outside world means nothing. Yoga allows me to look within. I focus on the source of all of my strength and inspiration that is God, love, and the freedom of self-expression. Inhale. I become one with lightness as I inhale. Exhale. I let go of negativity, darkness, and frustration as I exhale. I imagine myself inhaling all the goodness in the world. There is good in this world. I am at my best on the mat. I am allowed to express myself creatively. Freedom is the priority on the yoga mat. It doesn’t matter what happened yesterday or this morning. Yoga allows me to be in the now. And learning to be in the present allows me to show appreciation for my body, my self, and my mind. Yoga is love. Namaste.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Healing Takes Courage
(it takes tons of courage to write open and honestly. these words below were very hard to write. but i share this with the hopes that my past, present, and hopeful future..help you on this journey to healing.)
Therapy requires one to be open, honest and in many ways vulnerable. It has been a true exercise of courage for me. I learned some interesting things about myself by talking to a perfect stranger: honest, openly, and free of worry/fear/judgment.
By talking honest and openly, I learned (the power of voice..allows you to learn and reflect on your past) and remembered:
I have not yet fully healed from my past that is filled with loads of trauma. Like every other human being in this world, right?! But all jokes aside, being physically and sexually abused can take a toll on you. Especially if you are like me and you taught yourself to repress any feels of pain, hurt or vulnerability. I have lived my entire life separating my "self" from myself. Today, I take baby steps to end that self-inflicted pain.
Growing up, I avoided sports because I was scared to undress around everyone. Now I had to change for PE classes but I wore layers of clothes under my clothes..I just did not want to look at myself EVER.
I am out of wack when I "lose control." I am in a funk. Funky McNasty, to be exact! I want to punch a wall?! I also have tons of anger and want to totally withdraw and avoid the truth of my frustration. I link this with the ways survivors of abuse learned early on to disassociate from their feelings and body. I hear time and time again from fellow sistren who have experienced sexual/physical abuse--the out of body experience they have. We try to separate ourselves from our bodies. I remember trying to separate my 'self' from my body. I used this as a survival strategy I guess. Now, I try not to feel vulnerable or the fear of hurt makes me withdraw altogether. It's fugged up! Because it does not work. I know I have the power. I also am aware that I have more control than I know. I have to give myself more credit. I am truly blessed. It's just a matter of believing it.
"School's, the only thing I'm good at!" I used to believe that. I told myself as a young girl that although my perpetrator took the "best of me" (which is SO not true) I had school as a safe space. I was always a voracious reader and I really enjoyed school (not like I was the A student). I really saw it as a space where I can really be good at something or try. I was able to be a "student," "scholar," "good friend" etc. IT created a safe space for me. I didn't have to even think about my body. I focused on my mind. I became all of these categories..but never human! Total bad faith. Sartre is right!! I used this to evade responsibility. I didn't allow myself to be a total human being (with all my perfect imperfections). (I think (secretly) I like the "boundaries" that academia allowed I guess in some ways I knew what to expect and never would I get hurt. I had no expectations and never had to worry (or almost never) about being vulnerable. IT's totally weird. I'm still working through this because I'm not sure that's all true. Maybe I'm not the total cynic. There's still hope for me!!)
Okay, tears filling the eyes. Tears soaking the laptop. I think it's time, to end this post.
Tears.They are all good and much needed tears. It's time I put the "superwoman" to rest. It's time to put the "shero" cloak down. I have a painful past that I MUST revisit in order to grow/heal/free myself, present possibilities and a hopeful future.
With tears, courage, and love,
RP
Therapy requires one to be open, honest and in many ways vulnerable. It has been a true exercise of courage for me. I learned some interesting things about myself by talking to a perfect stranger: honest, openly, and free of worry/fear/judgment.
By talking honest and openly, I learned (the power of voice..allows you to learn and reflect on your past) and remembered:
I have not yet fully healed from my past that is filled with loads of trauma. Like every other human being in this world, right?! But all jokes aside, being physically and sexually abused can take a toll on you. Especially if you are like me and you taught yourself to repress any feels of pain, hurt or vulnerability. I have lived my entire life separating my "self" from myself. Today, I take baby steps to end that self-inflicted pain.
Growing up, I avoided sports because I was scared to undress around everyone. Now I had to change for PE classes but I wore layers of clothes under my clothes..I just did not want to look at myself EVER.
I am out of wack when I "lose control." I am in a funk. Funky McNasty, to be exact! I want to punch a wall?! I also have tons of anger and want to totally withdraw and avoid the truth of my frustration. I link this with the ways survivors of abuse learned early on to disassociate from their feelings and body. I hear time and time again from fellow sistren who have experienced sexual/physical abuse--the out of body experience they have. We try to separate ourselves from our bodies. I remember trying to separate my 'self' from my body. I used this as a survival strategy I guess. Now, I try not to feel vulnerable or the fear of hurt makes me withdraw altogether. It's fugged up! Because it does not work. I know I have the power. I also am aware that I have more control than I know. I have to give myself more credit. I am truly blessed. It's just a matter of believing it.
"School's, the only thing I'm good at!" I used to believe that. I told myself as a young girl that although my perpetrator took the "best of me" (which is SO not true) I had school as a safe space. I was always a voracious reader and I really enjoyed school (not like I was the A student). I really saw it as a space where I can really be good at something or try. I was able to be a "student," "scholar," "good friend" etc. IT created a safe space for me. I didn't have to even think about my body. I focused on my mind. I became all of these categories..but never human! Total bad faith. Sartre is right!! I used this to evade responsibility. I didn't allow myself to be a total human being (with all my perfect imperfections). (I think (secretly) I like the "boundaries" that academia allowed I guess in some ways I knew what to expect and never would I get hurt. I had no expectations and never had to worry (or almost never) about being vulnerable. IT's totally weird. I'm still working through this because I'm not sure that's all true. Maybe I'm not the total cynic. There's still hope for me!!)
Okay, tears filling the eyes. Tears soaking the laptop. I think it's time, to end this post.
Tears.They are all good and much needed tears. It's time I put the "superwoman" to rest. It's time to put the "shero" cloak down. I have a painful past that I MUST revisit in order to grow/heal/free myself, present possibilities and a hopeful future.
With tears, courage, and love,
RP
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Mural Art in Philly
There are some beautiful murals in Philly. This one is my favorite! (Taken on iPhone). I Heart Photography.
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