Learn to Love, Learn to Let Go...

Learning to Love, Learning to Let Go

I must admit I am a cynic when it comes to love. I truly believe in the art of loving but when it comes to the practice and very act of loving that is a different story. The practice of a loving ethic is harder than it sounds. While I understand it in theory it is hard for me to put it into practice. That is until the creator sends me the fortunate blessing of learning the act of love in the presence of other human beings. Learning to love is not an individual task but a collective responsibility. I work for an educational non profit. My position as high school services director simply put means that i provide academic and professional support to high school students. One of my rising 11th graders, Didi, is frequently at our offices, we usually talk about school, her future goals, and most times our views on life. Didi and I began a very intimate conversation that I did not think would lead me to reflect upon my views on love but it did.

As an educator, I strongly believe that it is important to understand students/youth not only as students but as human beings. We, like our students, bring with us our own baggage in the classroom and it is important that teachers understand and attempt to know the history of each of their students as they teach them. While it sounds like an arduous task, it is necessary to build relationships with students and understand how their backgrounds shape how they learn. Didi is one of the students who shares a rather complicated history/narrative. One of 2 sisters in a single parent household, she lost her half-sister  to brain cancer last year. Her father is in and out of her life and is not involved in the life of her nor her older sister. We begin our conversation discussing relationships (and not love), for Didi the two were not synonymous. I was curious to know why she had not mentioned love in our long hour conversation. Interestingly enough, I did not mention love either. She says she only loves a few people. She tries to avoid getting hurt. For Didi, to be vulnerable is to be open to hurt, pain, and failure. She also states that she doesn't want to be in a relationship ever because they are bound to fail. "Relationships always end". Her cynicism about love made me realize how much this 15 year old who has experienced so much trauma in her life is a reflection of ME. Her views and ultimately, her fears to be hurt again made me revisit how we are taught to love in a white supremacist capitalist patriarchal society. In other words, we are not practicing the art and act of loving. We are taught to see love as a form of weakness.

Historically, during slavery, African Americans and those of the African diaspora used repression as a survival strategy in the presence of the slaveowners. "Slavery socialized black people to contain and repress a range of emotions." (bell hooks, 1993) It was only in carefully cultivated spaces of social resistance, that black people could express their repressed feelings. Yes, our traumas on love are situated in white supremacist capitalist structure. The practice of repressing feelings became a practice that became a part of black life long after slavery ended. bell hook contends that over time the ability to conceal and hide feelings came to be viewed by many black people as sign of strong character. Showing one's emotions is a sign of weakness. I bet most of us can recall a moment in our childhood where our parents taught us the importance of repressing feelings. My mom always reminds me how much i was a "cry-baby." As a child, I had no problem showing my concern whether I cried, whined, or just spoke up. She felt that I was too sensitive as a toddler and she wanted to make sure that I knew that as I was growing up. As she constantly reminded me of those days. I learned to repress those feelings as a teenager as I taught myself to cry in solitude and not disclose my feelings to anyone. I still struggle with showing my emotions or even being vulnerable. She taught me the importance of not letting others see your true emotions. My mommy made it clear that showing my emotions would only get me hurt. Of course as a  single mother of four kids on welfare she knew what hurt felt like and she did not want me to have to experience that kind of pain as a result of love. Like Didi, my mom believed that love would only get your heart broken.

Didi adamantly states this " its important not to let people see your true feelings because if they do they will take advantage of you." I, like Didi, learned early on that love is a battlefield that we should not take on in our lives. To do that is to lose control, to be vulnerable is to lose the ability to preserve your image of the "strong Black, Latina, Chicana, super-woman complex."

The pain, weight, and emotional abuse that we women carry. It is unfair and not necessary. Being vulnerable does not make you weak. This is something I continue to remind myself. Vulnerability is a strength that we must value and integrate into our daily lives. I am grateful to the women in my life especially my mother. But I am also aware that my mother still has much to learn about love just like I do. Shoo, we all do!

Learning to love is a life long process. We must move away from romantic/sexist/patriarchal notions of love that say we  are waiting for our knight in shining armor (read: a man), "fall in love," there is "one" true love, and marriage is the ultimate sign of true love, etc. Love is more than just a feeling. It is an action and intention. Love won't come knocking on your door. It is your choice. You choose love and you must be vulnerable, open, fearless, and ready for love. You are not going to reach the ultimate or pinnacle phase of love because one does not exist. Love is not that simple. It is complex but necessary to living a fulfilled life.

It is true that the art of loving is an act that will not only liberate us but allows us to resist racism, sexism, and other forms of oppression that continue to harbor in the prison of our bodies, our minds, and in our society.

Sisters, it is time we learn to let go of this baggage that our trauma has brought us. Its time we learn to love and learn to let go of our past. In order to liberate our minds and our bodies of this prison of repression we must move forward. We must learn to let go and let love.

with courage y mucho amor,
Rebel P.