Breaking Silences

"...And there are so many silences to be broken." -Cancer Journals: Special Edition Audre Lorde

I feel a great deal of pain.

Pain for my sister who lost her husband two months ago.

Pain for my little brother who I haven't seen in over 3 months.

Pain for my mother, who aches for her baby boy. With the fear that she may never see him again.

Pain for myself. Because I can't stop the self-loathing.

I ache, ache, ache for my loved ones and myself.

This pain I hold. I hold tender in my heart. I hold it tucked in my mind. Like one holds on to a newborn baby for fear of exposing it to the pain of the outside world. I prefer to conceal the pain.

I hold on to my pain and fears. Rather than let them go. To let these things go would mean opening the cages I have kept locked in for far too long.

I re-read Audre Lorde's Cancer journals because I know she will help me see that silence is worst than the fear of showing my true self.

Image: Street Art in center city, Philly. Taken with Instagram (@sapphireshoots).


With Courage,
Rebel Poeta

Zenith

Lost in my thoughts
Hiding in the shadows
Surfing the waves
Headed to the unknown
My mind is
Like the Bermuda triangle
I may not return

To be searching
For sanity
In a state of insanity


Who will tell the little girl
That her future self will be alright?


Two lost souls uniting at zenith
A point of no return

An eternity of restlessness
On the hunt for what is true
For what is righteous

For love...

With courage,
Rebel Poeta


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

spreading negative energy

dealing with depression affects not only you but your loved ones. i find myself pushing friends and family away or making their lives a living inferno. a sunny day in Philly that i can't seem to see through these eyes. its much darker and foggy through my lenses. don't feel like my 'self.'

for some reason, i can't control these feelings and the ways this energy is diffused. i feel terrible to do this to them. which only makes me feel worse about myself and may make it hard to get over this depression. sometimes i think they are better off without me....but i know that is not true. i just have to get through this rough patch...

thanks for listening (and reading)!

with a pinch of courage,
RP

depression

i have relapsed into this abyss that i once thought was behind me. i can't sleep. i can't eat. i can't even think. without this fog that clouds my mind, thoughts, emotions...

sadness consumes me
melancholic rages
warp my mind
the clouds begin
to hide the sun
as the storm begins
the light no longer
in sight
the pain stings
the anger burns
tears invade my veins
poison kills me slowly

do roses really grow from concrete?
does the light truly shine through?
what really happens after the storm?
will i survive this?
is there an end in sight?

with courage,
RP

losing a loved one

someone that meant a lot to my family and i passed away almost four weeks ago. it was tragic and unexpected. but we are getting through it.

death has a funny way of teaching you how to live. you have two choices: you live your life in fear or live your life in/with love. after losing him, i learned that we must choose the latter. with open minds and hearts we MUST choose love. it hurts to know that this person is no longer with us in this world. but i know that he will be with us in a different form. i find comfort in that. i have been grieving in my own way by practicing silent meditations and expressing my feelings when i find the strength to. keeping it safe and secure within does not help me and those who care about me.

death has a way of teaching you to be fearless. we know that death is the one thing that is certain. one should not live one's life in fear of dying. but we should live with faith and awareness that while it [death] is inevitable we will live our life to the fullest.

i am grateful to have known him.. to have good memories and to know that he came in to our lives for a reason.